Divorce thread, support, fun, and pain

weak_link · 01-15-2010, 04:01 PM

Moved out in October, ex had been pushing me to get out for a year. I didn't want to give up on the dream that somehow things would turn around. Everyone but me knew it wouldn't so I stayed. Now I'm out, I should have done it a year ago.

Yesterday when I went to pick up my amazing 3 y/o daughter from the ex I was looking at all the kids out playing, the families out chatting before dinner and I realized how much I miss my old neighborhood. Yes, the ex has the house. I was feeling pretty down about the whole thing. Then I got home and started to do the dishes at my new place. I realized how much I hate the way my ex-wife loads a dishwasher. Took a step back while realizing this and figured these days I'll take small victories where and when I can.

Having a hard day? Post in here, maybe we can cheer you up.

csbrewfisher · 01-15-2010, 04:40 PM

We've been in counseling for a year...after a 32 year "fighting" marriage. On the ride home from the last session, in which she was reamed by the (female) counselor, she says "I'm not going back again." I come home one evening about two weeks later, and she tells me she's leaving, and I'm not gonna stop her. She's moving to another state. Truck pulls up two days later and loads everything she wants, which really ain't much.

The following week I get the papers from her lawyer, so I hire a lawyer. She finds out and calls me and says "So...you want this to be nasty eh?" I reminded her that she had hired a lawyer first.

We split everything 50-50, including the retirement funds. I have custody of the kids.

Met the most wonderful woman in the world, got married. Haven't had an argument in over two years...not one. Blended family all loves each other, no yelling no screaming, no fighting. God is good!

So, like the OP says...chin up! There are probably better things in store. If you look for the negative, you will find it. Go out and look for the positive!

Tio Gato · 01-15-2010, 05:14 PM

I know it sucks a lot. Taking that first little victory about the dishwasher is a major step in the right direction. Look for those victories everyday.

I had been with a woman for about 8 years when I found naked photos of her in a hotel room. I didn't take the pictures. Acting like a dope for a couple months I thought I could work things out. Then one day I read a great piece of advice. It said be a man and not beg, just get out with your head held high. Best advice I ever got.

I've found the most fantastic woman. We've been married for 16 years and have the greatest life. It's crazy how much she let's me spend on cigars!

You can have this life too my friend, but you have to something very important.

Keep your eyes open!

There are so many great woman out there that would love to be with a good guy like you. You've got to realize that they are everywhere! I found mine playing quarters at a keg party. We were by far the oldest folks there, but somehow it was fate.

I wish you the best of luck. Never ever let her get you down.
Revenge is a life well lived.

weak_link · 01-15-2010, 05:27 PM

You guys are great, this is the kind of stuff I'm talkin' about.

Ashcan Bill · 01-15-2010, 05:52 PM

Likewise, my first marriage didn't work out. I was unhappy enough in that one to stay single for the next 17 years. Didn't really want to get married again after that one. Not that she was evil or anything - we just didn't mesh and the pain outweighed any happiness. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and move on.

Then I was fortunate enough to meet my "real" wife. We've been married 13 years now, and I'm grateful I was lucky enough to meet her. Our marriage gets stronger as time goes on.

Divorces are hard, but you gain perspective and in the long run, things work out for the best. Hang in there.

BradNC · 01-15-2010, 05:55 PM

In the beginning it seems impossible and you start thinking of all kinds of reasons why you should stay or go back. My divorce was finalized two years ago. Just hold fast and go with your gut and don't conclude that what is comfortable is what is always right. I think we all generally know what we should do inside. I refer to Bob Parsons', "16 rules for success", on this and most all other matters. Wasn't sure if I could link to it here or not.

pnoon · 01-15-2010, 06:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BradSacramento

Wasn't sure if I could link to it here or not.

Link away.

Ratters · 01-15-2010, 07:14 PM

Yep, still really miss the house, did for a long time, but it was still worth it. Now I have a house of my own that no one can take from me ever and things are great. It will all get better in time my friend. And now you can live in a place without constant negativity.

BradNC · 01-15-2010, 07:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BradSacramento

In the beginning it seems impossible and you start thinking of all kinds of reasons why you should stay or go back. My divorce was finalized two years ago. Just hold fast and go with your gut and don't conclude that what is comfortable is what is always right. I think we all generally know what we should do inside. I refer to Bob Parsons', "16 rules for success", on this and most all other matters. Wasn't sure if I could link to it here or not.

http://www.bobparsons.me/bp_16_rules.php?ci=8283

floydpink · 01-15-2010, 08:23 PM

Ok, here's a dandy of a link, which I found useful after my first divorce, but gone and did it again like the fool I am.

I did follow a few of the tips and married latin. (both times, but for more than the ass the second time)

The Department of Immigration knows me by my first name here.

I have one rule for success; learn to agree, no matter how wrong she is.

www.nomarriage.com

Skywalker · 01-15-2010, 09:50 PM

I was married for 21 years before I "opened my eyes"!!! I have three children from that marriage. I regret very little about that time in my life, however I do regret not getting out sooner!

I went through a lot of pain and then married Heather!!! We have been married for three fantastic years and we have a wonderful two year old!!! I have become a different person because of this. A better person!!!

Any of the botl or sotl who know Heather know that she is a wonderful partner for me! She supports me in every facet of life!!!

Eric, I can only pray you become as blessed as I am!!!

weak_link · 02-12-2010, 04:52 PM

The up-side of divorce? Being a man whore of course!!

Starz26 · 02-12-2010, 05:14 PM

Oh where do I start....

Thanks for this thread, currently feeling alone even though I am married. There is nothing worse than feeling alone with someone in the same house with ya...

If it was not for my kids I would be long gone....But have been through that before and it really hurt my relationship with my kids from the previous marriage. I do not want to go through that again.....

look for the small victories like you said......It would be great to come home and not get *****ed. Really hate it when i leave one thing out and it is thrown in my office cause it was "out of place" never mind all the clutter she leaves around.

My favorite is when I am gone for a few days and come home I have to go to her and say hello, as she turns her face to make me kiss her on the cheek, and when she is gone for a few days, I have to greet her and say hello, and kiss the cheek....

But I digress......bottom line bad marriage = miserable life......for me though, leaving my kids is worse.....at some point that will not be the case...

weak_link · 02-12-2010, 05:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Starz26

Oh where do I start....

Thanks for this thread, currently feeling alone even though I am married. There is nothing worse than feeling alone with someone in the same house with ya...

If it was not for my kids I would be long gone....But have been through that before and it really hurt my relationship with my kids from the previous marriage. I do not want to go through that again.....

look for the small victories like you said......It would be great to come home and not get *****ed. Really hate it when i leave one thing out and it is thrown in my office cause it was "out of place" never mind all the clutter she leaves around.

My favorite is when I am gone for a few days and come home I have to go to her and say hello, as she turns her face to make me kiss her on the cheek, and when she is gone for a few days, I have to greet her and say hello, and kiss the cheek....

But I digress......bottom line bad marriage = miserable life......for me though, leaving my kids is worse.....at some point that will not be the case...

Hang in there man, I know how you feel. I lived in the same house with my ex for two years. I didn't want to give up but she had enough and did us both the favor and filed for divorce. Some days are better than others but overall, I'm a happier person since I moved out. I know you are in a tough spot and thinking of your kids first is hard not to do. Feel free to pm me anytime if you just want to blow off some steam. Heck, post in this thread~ we've got lots of great BOTL's with amazing life experiences. You never know, someone might have a suggestion that works for you and helps you turn that corner.

shilala · 02-12-2010, 05:28 PM

I never got married until I was 30, Eric.
I married the woman of my dreams. Problem was, she wasn't anything like the dream. Must have got her mixed up with someone else.

I stuck the marriage out for three years after I knew it was over. Went through all the counseling, jumped through all the hoops, she just couldn't change. I wouldn't have even asked her to change, but I just couldn't deal with the cheating, and she wasn't very good at hiding it.
It's been about five years since I've been divorced. I'm in no hurry to get married, and I've become very patient. I'm really starting to like having my dishcloth hanging the way I want it and doing what I want when I want how I want.
My daughter has lived with me almost full time for the last year and it's almost time to iron that out on the legal end. The ex still has my dog, but I quit fighting her about that a long time ago.

I've fallen head over heels in love with a woman I've known since we were kids, and she's absolutely incredible. We're just going easy and enjoying our time together, and we see eye to eye on everything. We share all sorts of simple pleasures together, and she even loves cigars.
She's truly a gift, and I do everything I can to make sure she knows it every day.
I'm a lot better at being wrong all the time, nowadays, too. Someone told me along the way, "Would you rather be right or happy?"
It sure makes things go a whole lot smoother. The best part is that it seldom even comes into play. Lisa knows how important it is to me that we're happy, and she appreciates how much I appreciate her, and she doesn't take advantage of me being willing to be wrong.
I could go on forever, but I'll shut up. I just wanted to say how awesome it is when it's good. I couldn't possibly be happier.

Gotta throw a joke in, too. It's one of my favorites.
Do you know why divorce is so expensive?
Cause it's worth it.
And then there's the new Divorced Barbie. She comes with all Ken's sh!t.

Starz26 · 02-12-2010, 05:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by weak_link

Hang in there man, I know how you feel. I lived in the same house with my ex for two years. I didn't want to give up but she had enough and did us both the favor and filed for divorce. Some days are better than others but overall, I'm a happier person since I moved out. I know you are in a tough spot and thinking of your kids first is hard not to do. Feel free to pm me anytime if you just want to blow off some steam. Heck, post in this thread~ we've got lots of great BOTL's with amazing life experiences. You never know, someone might have a suggestion that works for you and helps you turn that corner.

Thanks for the offer, I may take you up on it....

With my previous marriage, I see my kids once a week, she got remarried, and they have a better relationship with the stepdad....I am the one they go to see and have fun.....I miss out on most of their activities and do not really know them as people....

With my 2y/o in this marriage, I work from home so I got to be the "mom" and see every event, personality change, milestone, etc....I did not miss anything and I am very, very close to my 2/yo daughter.....One extreme to the other...I just cannot bring myself to leave knowing what it will be like for my relationship with y 2 y/o....i love it when she wakes up in the morning , looks at me with those beautiful eyes, and says "mornin daaaddddyyy' and snuggles up to me....yes, she still ends up coming in my bed (wife and I sleep separately) about halfway through the night....

I am very envious of all you gents that have a spouse who smokes with you, gets you a thoughtful gift, cigar etc.....Mine would not do anything of the sort, "Cigars are stupid" thus she would never think about buying me one....never mind that i like them....she just does not think that way....if it does nothing for her it does not even cross her mind....

Sorry, look what you started!!! Ughh.....

time to get my daughter out of the highchair....peace, going to take care of her for a while, she is the reason I have any happiness in my life!

weak_link, keep your spirits up, being single can be the best thing in the world...Once you get to the point of not needing anyone or missing what you had, you can really begin to enjoy life.....I am not an eloquent speaker, but if you walk in a room and act like you are THE person to be around everyone will want to be around you.....grab life by the horns, realize that you are a great person and have fun.....Hope that made sense....

Oh, funniest thing from the counselor route...one day I got upsent and kinda took over the conversation blowing off steam....we walked out and she said "I am never going back there again YOU EMBARRASSED ME"...I mean, of all places to vent, that should have been it...but she is so self absorbed...

Oh and yes, I did get her flowers for V-Day cause there would be hell to pay if I did not, she walked in and said "Who are these from" OMG!!!

Starz26 · 02-12-2010, 05:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shilala

And then there's the new Divorced Barbie. She comes with all Ken's sh!t.

LMAO - thats funny, and true at the same time!!!!

02-15-2010, 09:46 AM

First, Ive never been married so no first hand experience with the emotions your going through....

But, as a law clerk (hopefully soon to be attorney), I see divorces walk in the door everyday. It really is painful to see people when they first come in, because they really are struggling with the thought of divorce. (atleast the ones who dont bring the original action). As a non married male, this really makes me hesitant to want to jump into marriage. But after everything is said and done it is great to see how happy those clients are. Yes they have to deal with custody and alimony, but overall they end up happy.

Yea i think people should try everything the can to stay together, but if that doesnt work, divorce gives you a great chance at a new start and a better chance of being happy for life. We only live once, so someone who is unhappy or with someone who is unhappy them, they shouldnt have to suffer. Its hard to say goodbye to a long term relationship, but look at it as a fresh start.

Keep your head up and remember the good things that came from it. Whether it be the kids or just the great moments. Learn from the mistakes and carry that into your next relationship. The mistakes might not be obvious, but there are always mistakes in all previous relationships we can learn from. Just cause a court calls it a "no-fault" divorce, theres always something that gave rise to the want for separation. Its not a bad thing though!! Just learn from it.

My biggest point is to just learn from your previous relationships and try to move on. That is the worse thing i have seen. People who separate and get back together over and over. We had one prospective client come in and wanted a divorce from their partner for the 8th time!!!!! Seriously??? If it didnt work out the first 7 times why is the 8th going to be any different? Atleast the paperwork would have been easy to file, youd have 7 different previous versions of a decree to go off of.

Enjoy being single!! Go out and reconnect and have fun with your friends, if the marriage has lessened those relationships at all. Friends are great support and they possibly know you better than your ex did. And most importantly, dont go out looking for love, let it come to you.

01-15-2010, 04:01 PM	#1
weak_link The Stranger Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Eric Location: SF Bay Area, CA Posts: 1,263 Trading: (1)	Divorce thread, support, fun, and pain Moved out in October, ex had been pushing me to get out for a year. I didn't want to give up on the dream that somehow things would turn around. Everyone but me knew it wouldn't so I stayed. Now I'm out, I should have done it a year ago. Yesterday when I went to pick up my amazing 3 y/o daughter from the ex I was looking at all the kids out playing, the families out chatting before dinner and I realized how much I miss my old neighborhood. Yes, the ex has the house. I was feeling pretty down about the whole thing. Then I got home and started to do the dishes at my new place. I realized how much I hate the way my ex-wife loads a dishwasher. Took a step back while realizing this and figured these days I'll take small victories where and when I can. Having a hard day? Post in here, maybe we can cheer you up.

01-15-2010, 04:40 PM	#2
csbrewfisher Welcome to my nightmare Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Jerry Location: Colorado Springs Posts: 676 Trading: (10)	Re: Divorce thread, support, fun, and pain We've been in counseling for a year...after a 32 year "fighting" marriage. On the ride home from the last session, in which she was reamed by the (female) counselor, she says "I'm not going back again." I come home one evening about two weeks later, and she tells me she's leaving, and I'm not gonna stop her. She's moving to another state. Truck pulls up two days later and loads everything she wants, which really ain't much. The following week I get the papers from her lawyer, so I hire a lawyer. She finds out and calls me and says "So...you want this to be nasty eh?" I reminded her that she had hired a lawyer first. We split everything 50-50, including the retirement funds. I have custody of the kids. Met the most wonderful woman in the world, got married. Haven't had an argument in over two years...not one. Blended family all loves each other, no yelling no screaming, no fighting. God is good! So, like the OP says...chin up! There are probably better things in store. If you look for the negative, you will find it. Go out and look for the positive! __________________ http://www.facebook.com/csbrewfisher

01-15-2010, 05:14 PM	#3
Tio Gato Uncle Kitty Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Jeff Location: Casa Grande, AZ Posts: 2,075 Trading: (11)	Re: Divorce thread, support, fun, and pain I know it sucks a lot. Taking that first little victory about the dishwasher is a major step in the right direction. Look for those victories everyday. I had been with a woman for about 8 years when I found naked photos of her in a hotel room. I didn't take the pictures. Acting like a dope for a couple months I thought I could work things out. Then one day I read a great piece of advice. It said be a man and not beg, just get out with your head held high. Best advice I ever got. I've found the most fantastic woman. We've been married for 16 years and have the greatest life. It's crazy how much she let's me spend on cigars! You can have this life too my friend, but you have to something very important. Keep your eyes open! There are so many great woman out there that would love to be with a good guy like you. You've got to realize that they are everywhere! I found mine playing quarters at a keg party. We were by far the oldest folks there, but somehow it was fate. I wish you the best of luck. Never ever let her get you down. Revenge is a life well lived. __________________ "You stink like cigars Uncle Kitty!" Said my Boo age 3. "Kid, take care of your family and the hell with anyone else" My Grandpa Bubba.

01-15-2010, 05:27 PM	#4
weak_link The Stranger Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Eric Location: SF Bay Area, CA Posts: 1,263 Trading: (1)	Re: Divorce thread, support, fun, and pain You guys are great, this is the kind of stuff I'm talkin' about.

01-15-2010, 05:52 PM	#5
Ashcan Bill Ol' Dude Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Bill Location: Henderson, NV Posts: 1,901 Trading: (6)	Re: Divorce thread, support, fun, and pain Likewise, my first marriage didn't work out. I was unhappy enough in that one to stay single for the next 17 years. Didn't really want to get married again after that one. Not that she was evil or anything - we just didn't mesh and the pain outweighed any happiness. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and move on. Then I was fortunate enough to meet my "real" wife. We've been married 13 years now, and I'm grateful I was lucky enough to meet her. Our marriage gets stronger as time goes on. Divorces are hard, but you gain perspective and in the long run, things work out for the best. Hang in there.

01-15-2010, 05:55 PM	#6
BradNC Formerly BradSacramento Join Date: Nov 2008 First Name: Brad Location: Roseville Posts: 264 Trading: (9)	Re: Divorce thread, support, fun, and pain In the beginning it seems impossible and you start thinking of all kinds of reasons why you should stay or go back. My divorce was finalized two years ago. Just hold fast and go with your gut and don't conclude that what is comfortable is what is always right. I think we all generally know what we should do inside. I refer to Bob Parsons', "16 rules for success", on this and most all other matters. Wasn't sure if I could link to it here or not.

01-15-2010, 07:14 PM	#8
Ratters Have My Own Room Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 1,848 Trading: (2)	Re: Divorce thread, support, fun, and pain Yep, still really miss the house, did for a long time, but it was still worth it. Now I have a house of my own that no one can take from me ever and things are great. It will all get better in time my friend. And now you can live in a place without constant negativity.

01-15-2010, 08:23 PM	#10
floydpink crazy diamond Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Pete Location: Orlando Posts: 1,955 Trading: (17)	Re: Divorce thread, support, fun, and pain Ok, here's a dandy of a link, which I found useful after my first divorce, but gone and did it again like the fool I am. I did follow a few of the tips and married latin. (both times, but for more than the ass the second time) The Department of Immigration knows me by my first name here. I have one rule for success; learn to agree, no matter how wrong she is. www.nomarriage.com __________________ "If we weren't all crazy we would go insane" Last edited by floydpink; 01-15-2010 at 08:31 PM.

01-15-2010, 09:50 PM	#11
Skywalker BABOTL Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Dice Location: Galaxy Far Far Away Posts: 10,168 Trading: (18)	Re: Divorce thread, support, fun, and pain I was married for 21 years before I "opened my eyes"!!! I have three children from that marriage. I regret very little about that time in my life, however I do regret not getting out sooner! I went through a lot of pain and then married Heather!!! We have been married for three fantastic years and we have a wonderful two year old!!! I have become a different person because of this. A better person!!! Any of the botl or sotl who know Heather know that she is a wonderful partner for me! She supports me in every facet of life!!! Eric, I can only pray you become as blessed as I am!!! __________________ Smoke what you like!!!

02-12-2010, 04:52 PM	#12
weak_link The Stranger Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Eric Location: SF Bay Area, CA Posts: 1,263 Trading: (1)	Re: Divorce thread, support, fun, and pain The up-side of divorce? Being a man whore of course!!

02-12-2010, 05:14 PM	#13
Starz26 Adjusting to the Life Join Date: Aug 2009 First Name: Eric Location: Ohio Posts: 486 Trading: (22)	Re: Divorce thread, support, fun, and pain Oh where do I start.... Thanks for this thread, currently feeling alone even though I am married. There is nothing worse than feeling alone with someone in the same house with ya... If it was not for my kids I would be long gone....But have been through that before and it really hurt my relationship with my kids from the previous marriage. I do not want to go through that again..... look for the small victories like you said......It would be great to come home and not get *****ed. Really hate it when i leave one thing out and it is thrown in my office cause it was "out of place" never mind all the clutter she leaves around. My favorite is when I am gone for a few days and come home I have to go to her and say hello, as she turns her face to make me kiss her on the cheek, and when she is gone for a few days, I have to greet her and say hello, and kiss the cheek.... But I digress......bottom line bad marriage = miserable life......for me though, leaving my kids is worse.....at some point that will not be the case...

02-12-2010, 05:28 PM	#15
shilala Dear Lord, Thank You. Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Scott Posts: 13,721 Trading: (252)	Re: Divorce thread, support, fun, and pain I never got married until I was 30, Eric. I married the woman of my dreams. Problem was, she wasn't anything like the dream. Must have got her mixed up with someone else. I stuck the marriage out for three years after I knew it was over. Went through all the counseling, jumped through all the hoops, she just couldn't change. I wouldn't have even asked her to change, but I just couldn't deal with the cheating, and she wasn't very good at hiding it. It's been about five years since I've been divorced. I'm in no hurry to get married, and I've become very patient. I'm really starting to like having my dishcloth hanging the way I want it and doing what I want when I want how I want. My daughter has lived with me almost full time for the last year and it's almost time to iron that out on the legal end. The ex still has my dog, but I quit fighting her about that a long time ago. I've fallen head over heels in love with a woman I've known since we were kids, and she's absolutely incredible. We're just going easy and enjoying our time together, and we see eye to eye on everything. We share all sorts of simple pleasures together, and she even loves cigars. She's truly a gift, and I do everything I can to make sure she knows it every day. I'm a lot better at being wrong all the time, nowadays, too. Someone told me along the way, "Would you rather be right or happy?" It sure makes things go a whole lot smoother. The best part is that it seldom even comes into play. Lisa knows how important it is to me that we're happy, and she appreciates how much I appreciate her, and she doesn't take advantage of me being willing to be wrong. I could go on forever, but I'll shut up. I just wanted to say how awesome it is when it's good. I couldn't possibly be happier. Gotta throw a joke in, too. It's one of my favorites. Do you know why divorce is so expensive? Cause it's worth it. And then there's the new Divorced Barbie. She comes with all Ken's sh!t. __________________

02-15-2010, 09:46 AM	#18
Calexan Guest Posts: n/a	Re: Divorce thread, support, fun, and pain First, Ive never been married so no first hand experience with the emotions your going through.... But, as a law clerk (hopefully soon to be attorney), I see divorces walk in the door everyday. It really is painful to see people when they first come in, because they really are struggling with the thought of divorce. (atleast the ones who dont bring the original action). As a non married male, this really makes me hesitant to want to jump into marriage. But after everything is said and done it is great to see how happy those clients are. Yes they have to deal with custody and alimony, but overall they end up happy. Yea i think people should try everything the can to stay together, but if that doesnt work, divorce gives you a great chance at a new start and a better chance of being happy for life. We only live once, so someone who is unhappy or with someone who is unhappy them, they shouldnt have to suffer. Its hard to say goodbye to a long term relationship, but look at it as a fresh start. Keep your head up and remember the good things that came from it. Whether it be the kids or just the great moments. Learn from the mistakes and carry that into your next relationship. The mistakes might not be obvious, but there are always mistakes in all previous relationships we can learn from. Just cause a court calls it a "no-fault" divorce, theres always something that gave rise to the want for separation. Its not a bad thing though!! Just learn from it. My biggest point is to just learn from your previous relationships and try to move on. That is the worse thing i have seen. People who separate and get back together over and over. We had one prospective client come in and wanted a divorce from their partner for the 8th time!!!!! Seriously??? If it didnt work out the first 7 times why is the 8th going to be any different? Atleast the paperwork would have been easy to file, youd have 7 different previous versions of a decree to go off of. Enjoy being single!! Go out and reconnect and have fun with your friends, if the marriage has lessened those relationships at all. Friends are great support and they possibly know you better than your ex did. And most importantly, dont go out looking for love, let it come to you.