I need a kick a$$ cigar

[T.G]

Camacho Coyolar (aka Black) toro or robusto (the early releases were brutal)
Opus X Petit Lancero
JdN Antano Machito
LGD Chisel Maduro

If you can find some old El Cobres, before they cut the ligero down, they had some kick.

Or you can just ask him to speed herf a Fonseca (N/C) in under 10 minutes and that'll probably kick his ass.