tuesday funnies

--- When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.

They stopped that sh!$ after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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A man, seeking to join the police department, is being interviewed.

The Inspector says: 'Your qualifications are good, but there is an aptitude test that you must pass before you can join.'

Sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: 'Take this pistol - go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six child molesters and a rabbit.'

'...Why the rabbit?'

'GREAT attitude,' says the Inspector, 'You passed! When can you start?'

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A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next
to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I
just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a
special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also
celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they
clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you
celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child
and today my gynecologist told me that I am
pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken
farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your
chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different caulk', he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

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Zen teachings
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just get worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.