La Floridita Fuerte-Grab a Fly Swatter

This is the review/story that my home review store F****s-S***e would have printed if they hadn't fired me because I took other writing assignments.
As stated earlier, my wife and I are virtually homeless. The cigar reviews that Katmancross writes seems to be liked and other online outfits have asked for my services. I may have found a way out of the hole. Some want stories like this. Some want 1-2-3 reviews. Some want anonymous reviews. Some are European online stores..one I have to write in German. And one is for Cigar Snob Magazine.
Now mind you, this store and I had no contract. I was paid a 5 pack for each review.. They did me a couple solids and sent me a Blazer lighter and this week, I got a bundle of an inexpensive cigars.
I have refused offers from the other big 4-5 outfits. Because I am loyal. The stores I am working with are nothing to sneeze at but should not get in the way of writing for F. They gave me my start and I am so grateful to them. But they blindsided me with this. No warning. Just gone. It's a shame because I would have been loyal to the end and written for them for two cigars. It's a shame. So I will be seen and read in other outlets. I wish F all the best.

LA FLORIDITA FUERTE

Summer. 2012.
The red phone lit up. It had a distinctive ring. I picked up. It was Frank Drez. The Czar for “Homeland & Police Logistical Enforcement & Supreme Security” (HAPLESS).
“Kat?”
“Yeah?”
“Drez here. It's happened. How fast can you get here?”
“2 hours, at the most.”

90 minutes later, I sat in the War Room of HAPLESS. Drez filled me in. A group of terrorists from about 25 countries, had done it. These were not homeless, wayward, religious people. They were the brightest and the best in all the scientific fields.
The 7 Plagues was no longer a theory or threat. It was real. Derived from the 10 Plagues when Pharaoh Amenhotep banned Moses and his people from Egypt. And the plagues were brought down upon the poor Egyptian people.

“We have word that in France, frogs are flying out of the skies. The inhabitants are running through the streets with tiny forks and carafes of butter. Total mayhem.

Thunder and hail is bombarding Milwaukee. Fortunately, no one noticed.

Darkness has affected Albania. Since hardly anyone has electricity there, it was foolish planning. They are accustomed to using lanterns and candles.

We've gotten reports that boils are sweeping Australia. People are swarming into the ocean begging to be eaten by the Great White sharks. The sharks got so full that they started to get particular. No skinny people. Only people over 250lbs and wearing appropriate bathing gear. No old men in shorts, black socks and sandals.

Gnats and lice are attacking New Jersey. They're sticking to everyone's hair gel. Suicides are out of control.

Flies have inundated fast food joints across the world; but are falling dead after a few minutes from smelling old fish grease. The flies are morphing into spongy things and McDonalds is preparing a new campaign.

The War Room had an occupancy of 75 people. It was pure chaos. The big screen on the wall showed a video loop of the terrorist threat. He was a pale, tall man. He was holding up head shot promos.
And he was screaming how he got scammed by a fake talent agency or something like that...he was promising revenge.
I sat there quietly the whole time. Drez was standing, bellowing orders and pulling on his pants because he weighed around 275. His belly kept dropping over his belt and he kept pulling at it so he looked good. Frank is very vain.

Hey Drez! Calm down, man.” I held out some cigars. “I know you. Without a cigar, your blood pressure is out of control. Try this.”
I handed him a well aged La Floridita Fuerte.

He plopped down into his chair. Locusts started making their way through the ventilation system. They were swirling all around our heads.
One woman screamed, “BATS!”

As Drez sniffed the cigar, a giant locust landed on his head. Drez made no effort to shake it off. It just sat there.
Then the locust climbed down his cheek and sat on the cigar.
These were the legendary, talking locusts from Nambia that were cloned with voice over artists. They either sounded like actor Sam Elliot or Jeff Bridges.
This locust spoke in a highly intellectual, British voice...sort of like Alfred Hitchcock. We named him Scottie.

“The prelight has a subtle cocoa. It gets stronger the more I sniff at it.” Frank lit the cigar.
On light up, Scottie said, “I get a strong burnt oak flavor and an obvious medium body strength.”

“A sweet spice rears up and then a creaminess swirls to balance the flavors. The cigar remains consistent throughout with that oak-y wood flavor. Halfway through, the cigar ramped up into a full body, full flavored stick.
“From the halfway point down, it is certainly a full strength, spicy, creamy, woody with a tinge of dried fruit flavor. The flavors are very complex, but consistent.”
At the halfway point, Scottie told us that he enjoyed the firmness of the stick and then laid an egg on it. “Someone will be by later to take care of that,” he said.
Scottie said, “I taste a rich-tasting core of Nicaraguan & Honduran Habano longfillers bound in a sweet Nicaraguan Jalapa Habano leaf, then seamlessly rolled in a savory Habano Viso wrapper. Am I right? Am I right?” I nodded yes.
“This is a big meaty cigar. A solid stick. It burns slow and even. I'm impressed.”
And with that, Scottie fluttered his wings and joined the rest of the throng.
HAPLESS was now controlling our destinies. Is there hope?

La Floridita Fuerte-Churchill
Country of Manufacturer: Nicaragua (Tabacalera Plasencia)
Size: 7" x 50
Strength: Medium-Full
Wrapper: Habano Viso
Filler: Nicaraguan
Binder: HonduranBox of 20: $91.99 (SRP)
Flavor characteristics summary: Oak wood, mild spices, well-balanced, with notes of spice, dried fruit, and cocoa on the finish.