La Floridita Fuerte-Spaceballs Takes Down bin Laden

I normally write crazy reviews for Famous-Smoke. There have been some people that are unhappy with the crudeness of my reviews and I've been asked to tone it down. With the permission of pnoon at CA and Scott at Famouse, I can now post the review/story too un-PC for the average audience. This is a man's (and woman's) site for grownups. Everything is said in jest and nothing is to be taken seriously.
I'm Jewish. That's why I put some Jewish jokes in there. They are clean and funny. But if someone has a problem, let me know please. I don't want to offend anyone. But the jokes are just that...jokes. Also, if you haven't read my reviews at Famous, I'm Katmancross...coolest dude on the planet, time traveler, a mentor to Indiana Jones. He's a character.
Enjoy!




I had been invited to brunch at Robert Gate's (Secretary of Defense) townhouse in Georgetown. Accompanying us were two men wearing IDF (Israeli Defense Force) uniforms.
We had a lovely meal followed by cigars. I brought some La Floridita Fuertes; the newest of the line.
“Kat....I've got a problem and I think you can help. As you know, bin Laden is living comfortably in Peshawar, Pakistan... protected by his security force and the indomitable mountains of Afghanistan.”

“Rumors abound about his mere existence. An IDF spy gave his life to get information to us that locates bin Laden. It appears that the life of a wanted terrorist is getting old for our buddy. So now he's doing standup at a club in Rawalpindi on open mike night.”

I was stunned.

Gates continued, “With the help of these two men, you will assemble a group of comedians to assault that club and take bin Laden out. You pick the men, and we will convince them to go.

Two weeks later, I was on a C-130 transport plane with Mel Brooks, Sid Caesar, Carl Reiner, Steve Martin, and Jim Carrey.

All were told of the mission and and then hit with tranquilizer darts as they began to run.

We were somewhere over Turkey when they awoke. All 5 looked at their surroundings and then huddled at my feet, begging me to turn this “verkakte plane” around.
Carrey said, “Look man, I'm not funny anymore. Just check out my movies.”

Sid Caesar puffed out his chest and said I will take this “bum Latke” out for you.

Mel Brooks asked where the cigars were? I told him to relax. Carl Reiner asked why did the U.S. Government pick them?

I explained about the stand up on open mike night. “You guys will show up, unannounced and do your schtick. While bin Laden is enthralled, we'll do him. “
Steve Martin mumbled that he would have brought his arrow through the head thing if he wasn't “Knocked unconscious by friggin' ELEPHANT tranquilizer!”
I felt this was the time to bring out the La Floridita Fuertes. “Look boys...this is a new cigar from the house of Plasencia. It's a nice little
number. Here...” and I passed them out.

The prelight was a subtle cocoa. It got stronger the more I sniffed at it.
On light up, I got a strong woody flavor and an immediate medium body strength.
Sid Caesar asked why I hadn't brought bigger cigars? Schmuck.
A sweet spice reared up and then a creaminess swirled to balance the flavors. The cigar remained consistent throughout with an oak-y wood flavor. Halfway through, the cigar ramped up into a full body, full flavored stick. Being bounced around in the large cargo plane, and the strength of the cigar, gave me the spins and I had to put it down for a bit. The same happened to my boys.

From the halfway point down, it was a full strength, spicy, creamy, woody with a tinge of raisin flavor. The flavors were complex, but consistent. Thankfully, these old timers all smoked cigars and they began to tell road stories and laugh which kept their minds off of the mission. All complimented me on my choice of cigar. None could believe these were less than $5 a stick.

Upon arrival, everyone put on local clothing. We headed straight to the bar and waited. Our two IDF fellows were close behind.

Ahmed Mozart Fishkebab, the emcee said, “Ladies and Germs, may I introduce to you our first comedian of the night.... Heeeeeere's Jauni Kareem Jabbar!”

“Hi everyone! My wife says I never take her places. So I said why don't you try the kitchen?”
He was immediately beheaded. Two guys wearing old Fed Ex clothing swept up the mess.

“OK. Our next comedian goes by the name of George Machmoud Clinton. Give him a hand!”

“Hey! Do you know why Iraq has glass bottom boats? Sooooo..they can see their Navy!”
His arm was lopped off. He wouldn't let go of the mike stand, “What do you call an Arab roof contractor? Shiite on a shingle!!!!” There went the other arm as he muttered, “Tough crowd tonight.”

My boys were shoved on to the stage and I whispered into the emcee's ear while handing him some dough.

“All the way from America...” and I introduced the boys. The crowd went crazy. My boys started doing their signature crazy dances and moves and the place was in an uproar.

Bin Laden jumped up from the middle of the room, like everyone else, and applauded like a crazy man.

Steve Martin, ushered bin Laden to the stage. “Can I ask your name, sir?”
“It's Baha al Din.”
'Mel Brooks said, “How 'bout we call you Barry?” Bin Laden felt this was a huge compliment as he bobbed his head up and down. “Yes. I am Barry.” And then he looked to his body guards and they started chanting, “Bar-ry, Bar-ry, Bar-ry!!”

“Have you got some jokes for this wonderful crowd?”

“I do. I do. May I say Mr. Brooks. That even though you are an infidel, I have always admired your work. 'Young Frankenstein' I kvelled when I saw that. How did you get that other infidel, Marty Feldman to do that thing with his eyes? And 'Spaceballs' Oy Gevault! I never laughed so hard. And that Teri Garr....oooooh, that's some Shiksa, no?
“May I show you some of my own humble comedy?”
“Of course,” said Mel.

“OK OK OK OK....I'm a little nervous. OK OK... Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering.” Ha Ha Ha
“Or how about this one....What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go." Ha Ha Ha
“Wait wait wait....When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault!! Ha Ha Ha
“Here's another one...A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
Here.....Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.”

At that point, the entire crowd stormed the stage knocking the American comedians and the IDF off the stage. Scimitars were raised and everyone lived happily ever after.

And God speed to our brave service men and women no where ever they serve!

[pnoon]

To clarify, my "permission" was general with regard to posting your reviews. As always, they are subject to the rules and guidelines here at CA.

I had not read this review prior to it being posted.
Posted via Mobile Device

[Skywalker]

I'm sure in the reality that this review took place the La Floridita Fuerte is a fine cigar...

Originally Posted by Skywalker

I'm sure in the reality that this review took place the La Floridita Fuerte is a fine cigar...

I actually bought this cigar before I got some to review. They are especially good with some aging on them. I haven't tried the other La Floriditas but from what I've read, the Fuerte is the best.

[CasaDooley]

[UPHOTO]

Okay so this story could have been about any cigar in the world, no matter how $hitty and the review still would have sounded like it was the best cigar in the world.

Great read but didn't do much for me in the way of a cigar review.

Originally Posted by UPHOTO

Okay so this story could have been about any cigar in the world, no matter how $hitty and the review still would have sounded like it was the best cigar in the world.

Great read but didn't do much for me in the way of a cigar review.

Hi Aaron,

My feelings are hurt to the quick. LOL!
No, we're cool.
The short review is how I felt about the cigar. Here's the issue. Famous gives me 750 words. This review was over 900.
Famous expects me to weave a magical story. An adventure to rival Indiana Jones. And intertwine a cigar review all in 750 words. Try it for kicks and see what you are up against.
I could have written more...and would have preferred to. But space prohibited me from doing the aficionado a real solid.
It's really difficult to write ACT 1, ACT 2, CIGAR REVIEW, ACT 3, FINALE.
So I apologize for the brevity of the review.

By the way, I think the La Floridita Fuerte is an excellent cigar. It needs some aging, but very good. And everything I wrote was my experience with the cigar...which was aged because I bought some of those cigars about 6 months before they sent me the 5 pack for review.

Before I lose all my friends and their goodwill....I need to explain these reviews/stories.
I know, I know.....these are not 1-2-3-bottom line reviews. I'm a funny guy. Famous liked the little blurb reviews I did on their web site if I liked a cigar. They had been looking for someone to do what I do. Here's the rub...I have a 750 word limit. That's 1-1/2 typed pages to develop Act 1, Act 2, and Act 3 plus get some kind of review in there. Try it. It's a b***h.
They wanted my character to be just short of a super hero. The coolest dude around. A time traveler. Indiana Jones is jealous of him. Mystical. But not a cartoon character. Again, try it.
I lived through the 1960's as a teenager. I loved the underground comics of the day. I loved the Marx Brothers and Woody Allen (when he was funny).
I'm a really sick writer but I have to reign it in big time. I have to hit a home run right down center field. Don't say hookers. Don't say this. Don't be gory. Even if it's all in fun.
I was told that that using bin Laden in a story could be Muslim bashing. ??
So please forgive me if the stories are silly. You need to have just finished your six pack when you read these. And just laugh because it's so stupid.
If I write a proper cigar review, which I can, there's no room for a story. So I have to balance everything like a blind juggler.
I'm doing something that no one with any integrity would be doing, at age 60, when it comes to cigars. Gimmee' a break. I'm living in a basement with my wife. We get $76 in food stamps. I have no money for cigars. And the cigar company gives me cigars for what I do.
As a result of this silly job, someone has offered me another writing job this week. And more may be coming in.
So don't hate me because you don't like the stories or the reviews...hate me because I'm fat and have bad breath.
Thanks.