Dear Americans.

Ill put this here just so you know not to get your lawyers and therapists after taking this too seriously.

.....

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy) Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


God Save the Queen!

Well thats the kraken released for the day.

[kelmac07]

I can see this costing you a ton of grief.

Oh...and I only have three words for ya...Boston Tea Party

And one more...Yorktown!!

[Blak Smyth]

I enjoy this light read, I get it and found it humorous. I think the "political" subject matter may be an issue on CA though brother. I have great pride as an American, I am not offended but I have a feeling some will be.

[chaase321]

this is ripe!

Oh this is hardly political more like a light worded joke than anything els if people cant take it as much and throw something in kind about England back at me well that's there problem.

[yourchoice]

Originally Posted by Reaver2145

Oh this is hardly political more like a light worded joke than anything else if people can't take it as much and throw something in kind about England back at me well that's there (their) problem.

Hereafter, he who criticizes (criticises?) one's spelling and grammar must forever be criticized (criticised?) likewise. I won't even touch your punctuation! You should really try to learn proper English, Simon ('US' or otherwise)!

[chaase321]

I think you are in bounds here...you make take some jokes back, but i like reading it!

[Blak Smyth]

Makes me think of Monty Python, typical English "humour"

[Subvet642]

An American Sailor and a British Tar were in a bar talking about their various Naval traditions. The conversation got around to the stripes of white piping on their dress blue uniforms. The British Tar asks: "Why do American Sailors have three stripes of piping when we only have two?" The Yank says: "See that first one?, that's for the time we beat your @ss in the Revolution, the second is for the time we beat your @ss in the War of 1812." Still puzzled, the Tar asks again: "Okay, but why the third?" The Yank says: "That's because we can beat your @ss any time we want!"

[Subvet642]

During the war of 1812, the British Frigate captains, to explain their losses, were fond of claiming that American Frigates were too big, and weren't really Frigates, but Ships of the Line. This poem appeared in a British newspaper of the day:

War in Disguise; or
An apology for His Majesty’s Navy


One Stephens, a lawyer, and once a reporter,
Of war and of taxes a gallant supporter,
In some way or other to Wilberforce kin
And a member, like him, of a borough brought in,
Who a master in Chancery since had been made,
Wrote a pamphlet to show that Jonathan’s trade
Was a “War in Disguise”; which, though strange at first sight,
Events have since proved may have been but too right;
For when Carden the ship of the Yankee Decatur
Attacked, with doubting to take her or beat her,
A Frigate she seemed to his glass and his eyes;
But when taken himself, how great his surprise
To find her a seventy-four in disguise!


U.S.S. Constitution vs. H.M.S. Guerriere

[Skywalker]

Originally Posted by Blak Smyth

Makes me think of Monty Python, typical English "humour"

[T.G]

Originally Posted by Blak Smyth

Makes me think of Monty Python, typical English "humour"

Monty Python was actually funny though.

[Islayphile]

In seventy-six the sky was red
thunder rumbling overhead
Bad King George couldn't sleep in his bed
And on that stormy morn, Ol' Uncle Sam was born.

[BlkDrew]

not a bad read at all, where can I apply for the vegetable peeler permit? are there certain restrictions on them? size, peel suppressors... etc..?

[ninjavanish]

Originally Posted by BlkDrew

not a bad read at all, where can I apply for the vegetable peeler permit? are there certain restrictions on them? size, peel suppressors... etc..?

See, this is how it starts... then before you know it, gangsters all over will be running around with unauthorized, fully-automatic, industrial peelers capable of 600 peels per minute...

[SvilleKid]

Originally Posted by ninjavanish

See, this is how it starts... then before you know it, gangsters all over will be running around with unauthorized, fully-automatic, industrial peelers capable of 600 peels per minute...

Can you get those with suppressors? I'm stuck in Knoxville today, with only three semi-autos (two .380's and a .25), but all my peelers are 200 miles away in Sville!

As for the joke, I get the humor, not insulted. However, if they expect traffic circles to work at most places over here, they need to be the first to test them out! Can we say 100 car pile-ups!!! Can we have some of that stuff, but leave most of that stuff they call music over there?

[Subvet642]

Originally Posted by SvilleKid

Can you get those with suppressors? I'm stuck in Knoxville today, with only three semi-autos (two .380's and a .25), but all my peelers are 200 miles away in Sville!

As for the joke, I get the humor, not insulted. However, if they expect traffic circles to work at most places over here, they need to be the first to test them out! Can we say 100 car pile-ups!!! Can we have some of that stuff, but leave most of that stuff they call music over there?

We have them around Boston and the rest of New England. They work pretty well as long as everybody knows what they're doing.

[SvilleKid]

Originally Posted by Subvet642

We have them around Boston and the rest of New England. They work pretty well as long as everybody knows what they're doing.

I was thinking more in the south. I don't know that they would work too well with our tractors!!

[Stephen]

To the citizens of Great Britain including Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

Dear Sir/Madam,

That whole World War II thing. You're welcome.



Sincerely,

Uncle Sam



PS: Go get your shinebox.

[Noodles]

One word, Dentist. Start visiting them for crying out loud.