Oil change

RevSmoke · 10-26-2012, 05:05 PM

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

MONEY SPENT
Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00

TOTAL $21.00

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50 00

2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to be recycle!

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call Loving Wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

MONEY SPENT

Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00

TOTAL -- $4165.00

BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT!

Route 66 · 10-26-2012, 05:28 PM

Hilarious!

I'll have to share this one with my wife, I know she'll get a laugh out of it too.

Cville Cigar · 10-26-2012, 05:31 PM

Laughed myself silly!

363 · 10-26-2012, 05:48 PM

yourchoice · 10-26-2012, 10:51 PM

Now that was funny!

Love step 26!

hammondc · 10-27-2012, 09:22 AM

sounds right

Bax · 10-27-2012, 12:31 PM

Think I'm going to steal this one

RevSmoke · 10-27-2012, 02:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bax

Think I'm going to steal this one

Hey, why not. I stole it from someone else, who got from...

iaMkcK · 10-27-2012, 02:56 PM

#21 -- Perfect. "Well, ain't got no damn car.. Looks like I'm walkin'"

jimdandy · 11-01-2012, 02:07 PM

Been there, done that, couldn't afford the T-Shirt

thebayratt · 11-01-2012, 09:32 PM

HAHAHAAA!!

Everytime a friend asks me to help them (do it for them) work on their car I usually repeat steps 33 & 34 alot! Now my friends don't ask me for help anymore. Good, thats more free time for me!

10-26-2012, 05:05 PM	#1
RevSmoke Ain't Never Gonna Leave Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Todd Location: Northcentral woods of Wisconsin Posts: 6,844 Trading: (51)	Oil change *OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN* 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. MONEY SPENT Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 TOTAL $21.00 *OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN* 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50 00 2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener. 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to be recycle! 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer. 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 30) Drink beer. 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes. 36) Beer. 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 38) Beer. 39) Beer. 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 41) Beer. 42) Lower car from jack stands. 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43. 45) Beer. 46) Test drive car. 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 48) Car gets impounded. 49) Call Loving Wife, make bail. 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. MONEY SPENT Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 TOTAL -- $4165.00 BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT! __________________ Todd__ "Smoke what you like, and enjoy it!"

10-26-2012, 05:31 PM	#3
Cville Cigar Don't mind if I do! Join Date: Sep 2012 First Name: Jeffrey Location: Cville, IN Posts: 101 Trading: (1)	Re: Oil change Laughed myself silly!

10-26-2012, 05:48 PM	#4
363 Infecting Via PM Join Date: May 2012 First Name: Brendon Location: Maryland Posts: 1,773 Trading: (35)	Re: Oil change __________________ Support our Troops "do NOT put pizza in your briar without letting it cool off Brendon" - Sterns

10-26-2012, 10:51 PM	#5
yourchoice Down the stretch Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Joel Location: South Jersey Posts: 4,091 Trading: (36)	Re: Oil change Now that was funny! Love step 26!

10-27-2012, 09:22 AM	#6
hammondc Moar Padrons! Join Date: Aug 2010 First Name: Chip Location: Senoia, GA Posts: 2,625 Trading: (17)	Re: Oil change sounds right

10-26-2012, 05:28 PM	#2
Route 66 This sucker went out! Join Date: Sep 2012 First Name: Steve Location: Way Out West Posts: 41 Trading: (0)	Re: Oil change Hilarious! I'll have to share this one with my wife, I know she'll get a laugh out of it too.

10-27-2012, 12:31 PM	#7
Bax C A P S...CAPS CAPS CAPS! Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Tim Location: Ringgold,GA Posts: 2,173 Trading: (70)	Re: Oil change Think I'm going to steal this one __________________ I'm the most interesting man in the world... but only if you find stupid stuff really interesting.

10-27-2012, 02:56 PM	#9
iaMkcK Feeling at Home Join Date: Oct 2012 First Name: Jarrett Location: SoCal Posts: 570 Trading: (8)	Re: Oil change #21 -- Perfect. "Well, ain't got no damn car.. Looks like I'm walkin'"

11-01-2012, 02:07 PM	#10
jimdandy Eat, Sleep, Smoke! Join Date: Jan 2011 First Name: John Location: Lubbock Posts: 64 Trading: (5)	Re: Oil change Been there, done that, couldn't afford the T-Shirt __________________ How many cigars constitutes enough??? The world may never know.

11-01-2012, 09:32 PM	#11
thebayratt Still Watching My Ash Join Date: Jan 2010 First Name: Shawn Location: Mississippi Posts: 1,326 Trading: (11)	Re: Oil change HAHAHAAA!! Everytime a friend asks me to help them (do it for them) work on their car I usually repeat steps 33 & 34 alot! Now my friends don't ask me for help anymore. Good, thats more free time for me! __________________ Keep on smoking my friends! http://nicetightash.com/