EMAILS FROM AN A$$HOLE (I didn't say Ma$$hole)

[yourchoice]

More great stuff. This guy is hysterical. ROFLMAO

rolling

Brian,

The twinkes aren't for everyone. I understand if you are on a diet, but for me, nothing celebrates the birth of Jesus like a twinkie and some good easy mac.

[Starscream]

From Me to ********@gmail.com
RE: Clydesdale horse needs caring owners:

Hey there!

Your horse looks beautiful! Is he still available?

Michael Murphy
Vice President
Murphy Glue Factory, Inc.

From ********@gmail.com to Me
RE: Clydesdale horse needs caring owners:

HELL NO!!!

[GKitty]

Thanks for the reminder, guys. I hadn't visited this site in a while.

Hilaaaaaaarious as always!!

[yourchoice]

The translation from French to English in his last one is quite funny. LOL This guy is good!

[Sauer Grapes]

Just saw this yesterday and wasted most of my evening reading all of them. Freaking hilarious. He seems to focus on the DC, Baltimore, Philly and Wilmington areas.

[yourchoice]

Originally Posted by Sauer Grapes

Just saw this yesterday and wasted most of my evening reading all of them. Freaking hilarious. He seems to focus on the DC, Baltimore, Philly and Wilmington areas.

Based on the familiarity of the area (both his and mine), I think he must be a Philly or Philly 'burb native.

[md4958]

Well normally I wouldn't think anything of it, but first off, you own a cat, and you are a dude. That is a huge red flag right there. Any normal straight guy wouldn't own a cat, and if he did, he wouldn't care about the cat enough to take it to the beach. Second, you want to go to Rehomo Beach. I'm not judging your lifestyle or anything man, I just don't want you gaying up my car. No offense. I don't even want to know what is in your duffel bag.

OMG, I think i just wet myself

[s15driftking]

SOO Genius

Vegan Housemate

My roommate and I are both vegans and will only live with another vegan. IF YOU AREN'T A VEGAN, YOU NEED NOT APPLY. We are looking for someone who will help with the cooking, in addition to the rent.

From Me to Joanna ********:

Well, I am a 24 year old male, and I am currently make a living by being employed. It pays well. Now, as I said earlier, I am a hardcore vegan. I totally respect your lifestyle, but I will occasionally eat a veal burger, maybe two or three times a week. I hope that isn't a big deal. If it is, I can eat it outside, but I will still need to cook it in the kitchen. But besides that, I am easy to get along with. I love watching TV. I hope you guys like CSPAN and late night HBO as much as I do. I also love music, and think I will be a great addition to your apartment.

Mike

From Joanna ******** to Me:

You're not a vegan if you eat veal. Seriously, veal? That is perhaps the single worst thing a vegan can eat. Calves that are raised to become veal are ripped from their mothers at birth so they get anemia. Then they are starved of milk, food, and exercise. They often are put in crates so they cannot move at all; they just stand and suffer until their ultimate death. Veal goes against everything veganism stands for. How you even consider calling yourself a vegan astounds me.

From Me to Joanna ********:

Well thanks for the veal history lesson. My ex used to ***** to me about veal all the time, so I know all about it. Frankly, I think that is why I enjoy veal. Knowing that the calf suffered so much to make himself that much more tender and delicious for me makes it worth every bite. If I didn't eat veal, it would probably expire and be thrown away. Then, the calf would have died in vein. You wouldn't want that, would you. Seriously, veal isn't that bad. They give the calf a nice safe home to live in. Would you rather they just let the calf just be let loose out in the wild? Then, it would probably be killed by a lion or something. By supporting veal, you are supporting the safe life of cows everywhere.

Can someone pass me a veal chop please?

to be clear, the 'ME' above is not ME.

Omg

c'mon, it isn't like i'm eating the animals after i kill them. I just kill them because i hate deer.

I can't tell you how many times I've stepped in deer sh!t - they sh!t everywhere. They are worse than old people.

OMG - now i'm finished w/ reading it but I can't stop laughing.

From Me to Joanna ********:

Wow, I never thought I would find someone as pretentious as Bono, but you take the cake. Next time I bite into a savory beef brisket, I'll think of you.

[yourchoice]

I almost forgot, if the police come, I need you to hide some weed and a bong that I left on the kitchen counter. Just put the weed in your pocket so they don't notice it when they are talking to you about the alarm, and maybe stuff some flowers in the bong so they think it is a vase.

[Sauer Grapes]

Figured I'd bump this for the most current emails. The most recent had me laughing for a good five minutes. My side still hurts.

http://www.dontevenreply.com/