Some great dirty jokes!

That last one made me laugh out loud.

[DPD6030]

Originally Posted by WildBlueSooner

Ok got a few more for you!

1)A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

2)A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldnt because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "Im sorry, I think he's too far in."

ROFLMAO good one James

[WildBlueSooner]

Definitely NSFW...but hilarious

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

[WildBlueSooner]

A short and sweet one!


Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

[WildBlueSooner]

whats better than a rose on your piano? tulips on my organ!

[WildBlueSooner]

One day a brunette and a blond,whom are very good friends are walking down the street and talking. Suddenly the brunettes husband walks up to her and hands her a thing of flowers,kisses her,then drives back home. The blonde friend looks at the brunette and says,"god you're so lucky,he must really love you. the way he always brings you flowers." to which the brunette reply's, "Do you know what I have to do for those flowers? I have to lay on my back every night,24/7 with my legs spread wide open and in the air." The blonde,rather confused replied, "can't you just get a vase?"

[Whee]

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem with my johnson."

Doc says, "Drop your pants, let's take a look."
The man drops his pants and the doctor is surprised to see a neon orange appendage. "I think we'll need to cut it off," says the Doc.

Well, the man was not having any of that so off he went to get a second opinion. Unfortunately he got the same response.

At the third doctor, however, the doc asked him, "What do you do at you job?" "oh, I'm unemployed," replied the man.

"Well, what do you do all day?"

"Oh I just sit around all day watching adult movies and eating cheetos..."

[WildBlueSooner]

Nice one Sean

[WildBlueSooner]

This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.
The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".
So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.
So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.
The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"
So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.
So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"
The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"
So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .
When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"

[WildBlueSooner]

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."
So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

[DPD6030]

Originally Posted by WildBlueSooner

This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.
The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".
So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.
So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.
The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"
So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.
So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"
The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"
So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .
When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"

Too Funny

[WildBlueSooner]

A man comes home from work and tells his wife, "come on honey lets have sex". she says "you cant talk like that in front of the kids, say something like lets do the laundry or lets do the dishes". man says "ok."
Next day he comes home from work and says "ok honey lets do the laundry". wife says "ok but let me feed the kids first." so the man waits. an hour later he says "come on honey the kids are fed, lets do the laundry".
wife says "ok let me just put the kids to bed and for sure we'll do the laundry".
Couple hours go by and the wife goes up to the man and says"ok honey i'm ready lets do the laundry."the man says "thats ok, it was a small load i did it by hand."

[WildBlueSooner]

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

[WildBlueSooner]

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally croaked.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together."
Leaning over to his neighbour, one mourner asked... "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs."

[Starscream]

Originally Posted by WildBlueSooner

A man comes home from work and tells his wife, "come on honey lets have sex". she says "you cant talk like that in front of the kids, say something like lets do the laundry or lets do the dishes". man says "ok."
Next day he comes home from work and says "ok honey lets do the laundry". wife says "ok but let me feed the kids first." so the man waits. an hour later he says "come on honey the kids are fed, lets do the laundry".
wife says "ok let me just put the kids to bed and for sure we'll do the laundry".
Couple hours go by and the wife goes up to the man and says"ok honey i'm ready lets do the laundry."the man says "thats ok, it was a small load i did it by hand."

[WildBlueSooner]

A guy from New York married a hillbilly girl. On the honeymoon, the New Yorker asked his new bride if there was any difference in the lovemaking of city guys and hillbillies.

She paused for a moment and said calmly, well you city guys walk up and stick it in, but the hillbilly guys stick it in and then walk up.

Needless to say that was the end of the conversation.

[Genetic Defect]

Originally Posted by illinoishoosier

I go to the doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem with my johnson."

Doc says, "Drop your pants, let's take a look."
I drops my pants and the doctor is surprised to see a neon orange appendage. "I think we'll need to cut it off," says the Doc.

Well, I was not having any of that so off I went to get a second opinion. Unfortunately I got the same response.

At the third doctor, however, the doc asked me, "What do you do at you job?" "oh, I'm unemployed," I replied.

"Well, what do you do all day?"

"Oh I just sit around all day watching adult movies and eating cheetos..."

[Whee]

Originally Posted by Big Vito

Hey, now.

How did you know?

[Genetic Defect]

Originally Posted by illinoishoosier

Hey, now.

How did you know?

small circle, big mouths

[Whee]

Originally Posted by Big Vito

small circle, big mouths

That must have been the vision that made you try to scratch your eyes out.