Alabao by Perdomo- The banned version

[MajorCaptSilly]

There are actually a few people who don't understand/appreciate my sense of humor. I know it seems ludicrous but it's true. You have to understand that if you put it out there, you may not get the results you wanted. Move on and be happy. It's just words on a screen.


MCS

[icehog3]

Originally Posted by MajorCaptSilly

There are actually a few people who don't understand/appreciate my sense of humor. I know it seems ludicrous but it's true. You have to understand that if you put it out there, you may not get the results you wanted. Move on and be happy. It's just words on a screen.


MCS

God I love you.

[Kreth]

Originally Posted by whodeeni

To a Certain degree Jeff was probably trying to give you some constructive Criticism,
but the flip side of it is that he really was rude, and that's uncalled for. Jeff brotha,
you "ARE NOT" the Simon Cowell of the cigar world! (Or at Least I hope you're not!)

Absolutely not. I don't have a single XS tee in my wardrobe. The original review was movie-themed. I posted a reply in the style of several reality shows (and one Internet meme). Somehow this was a personal attack, even though I made no specific comment about the OP. Much like the OP's reviews, people didn't get it, I guess...
Posted via Mobile Device

I decided to drop out of it once it got personal. I don't expect everyone to get what I do. The ones that don't get it tend to be the vocal ones.
This is no s**t, but I get offers almost everyday from some online store or combination of online/B&M asking me to write for them. I have owners calling me all excited that they might have the opportunity that I could write all this silly stuff that some of you hate. They all like the concept.
To the guys who don't get it, it's OK. We all have different ways of looking at things. Going into this with F****s, we knew we were taking a chance. And in the beginning, they got lots of comments like yours. It's stupid. It makes no sense. Where are the cigar photos 1/3, 2/3, bottom line?
I'm doing something no one else is doing. And it's upsetting everyone's sense of balance. It makes no sense to you and so you hate it.
Besides the State side stores, I'm getting offers from Europe...stores, cigar associations, magazines.
I'm currently in negotiations with the BBC Movie Division to write a movie that's a combination of all the things on my personal blog.
I can hear you all laughing.
I was arrogant to think that my buddies would not be so tough on me. That's my fault.
Peter said some nice things even though he doesn't like my stuff either. LOL!
So I'm going to lay back, enjoy the site, involve myself when I want to, not post anymore reviews/stories.....and enjoy the fruits of my labor. Life is too short for getting all lathered up in negativity. I have better things to do.

[icehog3]

Originally Posted by Katmancross

I'm doing something no one else is doing. And it's upsetting everyone's sense of balance. It makes no sense to you and so you hate it.

Not true Phillip, I wrote this review on CS in 2005:

Originally Posted by icehog3

Tamboril

I decide to smoke the Tamboril in the parking garage near where I work. Pulling the cigar from its cellophane jail, I swear I have seen this cigar before. Finally, it comes to me…it is just the same as the Cuban Cohibas I bought from the guy walking the beach in Cancun last summer. A squeeze reveals a spongy construction, much like a contraceptive sponge prior to insertion.

Pre-light draw

The pre-light draw is a taste to remember…its what I imagine sucking powdered goat feces through a straw made of petrified moose $hit might taste like. I contemplate quitting the contest and sending Dave back his extra smokes, but decide that if I can have a root canal with no anesthesia, I can smoke this cigar.

The smoke

As I toast the end, the smell of the Killing Fields of Cambodia is what I perceive. All the pain and torture endured there seems only slightly worse than the experience I am beginning. The first draw fills my mouth with smoke that would be better suited for a fire at a tire factory, but I press on, knowing that I must help Dave find some answers to his dilemma. My head begins to pound like a headboard in a Ginger Lynn movie, but I puff again, trying to keep the smoke in and the bile down. The cigar is burning sideways and fast, and finally I can take no more. I see a homeless man walking by in his filthy clothes, and I ask him to spit in my mouth to take away the taste of the Tamboril. He obliges and the stale taste of Mad Dog 20/20 and Virginia Slims is a welcome change. I offer him the remainder of the cigar as a reward for his kind gesture, and he slugs me square in the mouth. The mixture of my own blood and the Mogan David remain with me on my journey home for the second part of my adventure.

Cremosa

I take the Cremosa out of its wrapper, and am immediately overwhelmed by the scent of Miss Locascio’s house. Miss L was the woman on our block with 72 cats, 3 ferrets and a nasty flatulence problem. The cigar feels harder than the mattress at the Motel 6 and has the same color as the middle of horrorview’s prescription thong.

Pre-light draw

The pre-light draw feels looser than an Irish hooker on St Patrick’s Day. I long for the taste of spit and blood again as I taste the rancid pork washed down with spoiled milk flavor that the Cremosa offers.I shudder as I reach into my pocket for my lighter. As I contemplate my next move, Chevy Chase appears on my shoulder…”See the cigar, hog….be the cigar”….I flick my bic.

The smoke

The smell of the cigar is a familiar one….the smoke smells like the water that leaks out of a dumpster behind a Mexican restaurant on a 95 degree day. My head swims with irrational thoughts….”should I slit my wrists?”….”should I eat a bullet?”…..”should I watch 'American Idol'?”. Finally, sanity creeps back in, and I rush to the sink. No time for the Drew Estates Dave included as a palate cleanser, I reach for the Liquid Plumber and greedily chug from the bottle. The second degree burns scorching my tongue bring welcome relief from the taste of the Craposa. In the ambulance, the paramedic asks ”what is that rancid pork and spoiled milk smell on your breath”, even as he stabilizes my vital signs. I will live, he tells me, and by the way, he found my cigar and saved it for me. I wonder if they will have any sharp items in my hospital room?

So the loser… or the winner…of the worst of the worst…Cremosa. Thanks a lot Dave…I will send you the hospital bills.

Originally Posted by icehog3

Not true Phillip, I wrote this review on CS in 2005:

Whats CS?
Well, I got it. Very well written. But extremely negative. And you weren't working under the constraints I am.
I have to write without gore(Mongo, the exception), nothing that could offend anyone, no mention of undergarments or hookers or exchanging spit, etc.
And stores don't want me to write negative at your level. If they have a cigar that I've been given the go ahead to write that it ain't so good, I still have to be careful because they want to empty their bins of those cigars.
I have to walk a tight rope that you didn't. Don't get me wrong, I liked it. It's just that I can't write the way you do. A barrage of excremental words.
Have you written anything positive that's funny? And kept it politically correct?
My review with bin Laden in it didn't get published because the bosses considered it Muslim bashing. I can't use the word hooker or anything remote to that. I can't use sexual innuendo.
I'm not saying that anybody can do what you do, because they can't. It's hard to write.
I'd love to read another review that falls into the same parameters I'm forced to balance.
Bottom line: What you wrote is very funny. But not a single customer of mine would allow it. So it's just an exercise at that point. It's what you can get published that counts.

How about if everyone does me a favor? Go to my personal blog and read the non cigar stories. They are based on true stories of me growing up in the 1950's and 1960's. Except that my family was all Jewish Mafia on my mother's side. Her maiden name was Siegel, as in Bugsy.
I remember that after we moved to California in 1955, the family from NY, Chicago, and Cleveland all came following and set up shop.
The men dressed sharply and always wore see through black socks. And I never knew what they did for a living until I was a teenager.
Start with any chapter for a taste. It's pretty gruesome.
www.katmancross.com

[weak_link]

Originally Posted by Kreth

How do I put this politely?

"You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

Posted via Mobile Device

Hey!!!! Don't go dragging me into this!!!

Originally Posted by weak_link

Hey!!!! Don't go dragging me into this!!!

Eric,

He meant "weak stick."
You're OK

Originally Posted by icehog3

Not true Phillip, I wrote this review on CS in 2005:

This is exceptionally funny. I really like it. Lots of great adjectives.

[bazookajoe]

Originally Posted by Katmancross

Whats CS?
Well, I got it. Very well written. But extremely negative. And you weren't working under the constraints I am.
I have to write without gore(Mongo, the exception), nothing that could offend anyone, no mention of undergarments or hookers or exchanging spit, etc.
And stores don't want me to write negative at your level. If they have a cigar that I've been given the go ahead to write that it ain't so good, I still have to be careful because they want to empty their bins of those cigars.
I have to walk a tight rope that you didn't. Don't get me wrong, I liked it. It's just that I can't write the way you do. A barrage of excremental words.
Have you written anything positive that's funny? And kept it politically correct?
My review with bin Laden in it didn't get published because the bosses considered it Muslim bashing. I can't use the word hooker or anything remote to that. I can't use sexual innuendo.
I'm not saying that anybody can do what you do, because they can't. It's hard to write.
I'd love to read another review that falls into the same parameters I'm forced to balance.
Bottom line: What you wrote is very funny. But not a single customer of mine would allow it. So it's just an exercise at that point. It's what you can get published that counts.

I don't get it. You're bothered that some people don't care for your review style and repeatedly say how unique and sought after it is. Tom merely mentions that the style of story/hyperbole is not new, posts an example and you critique it in a not altogether pleasant way IMO. You seem to take things personally that aren't intended that way.

Here is a review written by SeanGAR years ago along the lines of what (I think) Tom was trying to show you, and one of the funniest reviews I've ever read (btw, I'm not saying this review meets all the guidelines you contend with, just pointing out as Tom did that you're not "doing something no one else is doing" since you're making a point of it):

"A walk on the wild side.....

Wednesday I faced something nobody wants to face: a 10 hour drive and only 2 small cigars (SCDH El Principe and a Gran Habano No. 5 Rothschild). I buckled down, got a crappy coffee and started my drive. A waited a full 5 minutes before breaking into the Gran Habano. Nice little cigar. 45 minutes later I started the SCDH. I know, I amazed myself at my restraint too. 85 minutes into the drive I was cigar-less. I knew I could hold out, I mean really, I don't smoke at all while I'm asleep, and that is usually 7 hours, so I can make 7 hours more driving, right?

It was somewhere in Tennessee that I broke down. I drive like this: stop only for gas when at 1/8 tank, pee, coffee, off I go. Well, there I was in central Tennessee, getting my coffee, when I spied them. Oh no, nothing as civilized as backwoods, the best looking cigar there was Swisher Sweets cigarillos Tips .... $2.05 plus tax later a 5 pak was mine.

I admired the wrapper while accelerating to 85 ... beautiful textured brown paper, just like the stuff the butchers used in the old days. I lovingly removed the cello, clear as a bell, I think these cigars have aged for at least 2 weeks. I looked at the plastic tip. Hmmmm......looks like some part of a tampon or something. Quite feminine really.....not something I expect construction workers or firemen would get into. But I was cruising and I figured, hell, why not.

I pulled over, carefully avoiding the 18 wheeleres whizzing by as I made my way to the trunk. I knew it was in there someplace......I always have some.....ah, there it was in the back, I pulled it out and got back in the driver seat. Just then I heard "take a walk on the wild side" on the radio. I took the duct that that had removed from the trunk, unwrapped 8 inches, and taped it to my chest. I did it again. I grabbed the end and ripped my hairs out. I did my chest. I used the tweezers from my Swiss army knife to pluck my eyebrows. I used M&Ms to color my lips red.

I was ready.

Plucked her eyebrows on the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
Said hey honey, take a walk on the wild side


I took a draw on the Swisher. Sweet taste of artificial flavors .... a hint of 7 year of madagascar vanilla and bubble gum asailed my senses. I lit it up.

For a second....a nanosecond really, I almost got the impression that there might actually be tobacco in the Swisher. Fleetingly brief as it was, I was not prepared for the tastes that I found in the Swisher. After half an inch I had had enough. Lynyrd Skynyrd was back on the radio, I wiped the red coloring from my lips, and I farted. The Swisher went out the window just as I saw a coal-fired power plant. The other cigars went into the garbage at my next fill up.

Visuals: Injection molded plastic tip reminiscent of tampon. Well done paper wrapper, slight texturing. To call this short filler would be an understatement. Microfiller?

Pre-light taste: Bubble gum and other fake flavors.

Initial smoke impressions: Crap, I should have bought Marlboros. I smoked it almost an inch before disgust got the best of me.

Lesson learned: Don't drive anywhere without adequate smokes."

Originally Posted by bazookajoe

I don't get it. You're bothered that some people don't care for your review style and repeatedly say how unique and sought after it is. Tom merely mentions that the style of story/hyperbole is not new, posts an example and you critique it in a not altogether pleasant way IMO. You seem to take things personally that aren't intended that way.

Here is a review written by SeanGAR years ago along the lines of what (I think) Tom was trying to show you, and one of the funniest reviews I've ever read (btw, I'm not saying this review meets all the guidelines you contend with, just pointing out as Tom did that you're not "doing something no one else is doing" since you're making a point of it):

"A walk on the wild side.....

Wednesday I faced something nobody wants to face: a 10 hour drive and only 2 small cigars (SCDH El Principe and a Gran Habano No. 5 Rothschild). I buckled down, got a crappy coffee and started my drive. A waited a full 5 minutes before breaking into the Gran Habano. Nice little cigar. 45 minutes later I started the SCDH. I know, I amazed myself at my restraint too. 85 minutes into the drive I was cigar-less. I knew I could hold out, I mean really, I don't smoke at all while I'm asleep, and that is usually 7 hours, so I can make 7 hours more driving, right?

It was somewhere in Tennessee that I broke down. I drive like this: stop only for gas when at 1/8 tank, pee, coffee, off I go. Well, there I was in central Tennessee, getting my coffee, when I spied them. Oh no, nothing as civilized as backwoods, the best looking cigar there was Swisher Sweets cigarillos Tips .... $2.05 plus tax later a 5 pak was mine.

I admired the wrapper while accelerating to 85 ... beautiful textured brown paper, just like the stuff the butchers used in the old days. I lovingly removed the cello, clear as a bell, I think these cigars have aged for at least 2 weeks. I looked at the plastic tip. Hmmmm......looks like some part of a tampon or something. Quite feminine really.....not something I expect construction workers or firemen would get into. But I was cruising and I figured, hell, why not.

I pulled over, carefully avoiding the 18 wheeleres whizzing by as I made my way to the trunk. I knew it was in there someplace......I always have some.....ah, there it was in the back, I pulled it out and got back in the driver seat. Just then I heard "take a walk on the wild side" on the radio. I took the duct that that had removed from the trunk, unwrapped 8 inches, and taped it to my chest. I did it again. I grabbed the end and ripped my hairs out. I did my chest. I used the tweezers from my Swiss army knife to pluck my eyebrows. I used M&Ms to color my lips red.

I was ready.

Plucked her eyebrows on the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
Said hey honey, take a walk on the wild side


I took a draw on the Swisher. Sweet taste of artificial flavors .... a hint of 7 year of madagascar vanilla and bubble gum asailed my senses. I lit it up.

For a second....a nanosecond really, I almost got the impression that there might actually be tobacco in the Swisher. Fleetingly brief as it was, I was not prepared for the tastes that I found in the Swisher. After half an inch I had had enough. Lynyrd Skynyrd was back on the radio, I wiped the red coloring from my lips, and I farted. The Swisher went out the window just as I saw a coal-fired power plant. The other cigars went into the garbage at my next fill up.

Visuals: Injection molded plastic tip reminiscent of tampon. Well done paper wrapper, slight texturing. To call this short filler would be an understatement. Microfiller?

Pre-light taste: Bubble gum and other fake flavors.

Initial smoke impressions: Crap, I should have bought Marlboros. I smoked it almost an inch before disgust got the best of me.

Lesson learned: Don't drive anywhere without adequate smokes."

Very well written.
I'm not saying it correctly, I guess.
It's sort of the right place right time thing going on.
I'm getting dozens of offers to do what I do..for publication in something other than forums.
Where was this published?

Interesting. I posted a couple of stories on another forum and everyone likes them. Just goes to show you, we have different points of view.

[Kreth]

Originally Posted by Katmancross

I'm getting dozens of offers to do what I do..

A few more posts and we'll be into triple digits...
Posted via Mobile Device

I thought the story was o.k. but as a review it was hard to tell what you were saying about the cigar and I didn't want to read it twice.

[MajorCaptSilly]

I've received no less than 136 offers to shut up, 85 offers to never type again, and Tom asked me to pick up a pen he dropped......slowly.


MCS

[bazookajoe]

Originally Posted by Katmancross

Very well written.
I'm not saying it correctly, I guess.
It's sort of the right place right time thing going on.
I'm getting dozens of offers to do what I do..for publication in something other than forums.
Where was this published?

I don't know that it was published anywhere—I read it on CS, a forum that in a way led to the creation of this Asylum.

This is a friendly bunch and we're all adults here. Comments made about reviews or any posts really are opinions and not meant to be taken personally. I'm sure everyone hopes you are successful and make a nice living at what you do, but your style is not for everyone. There's no need to defend yourself if they say so—the forum is of no use to anyone if members aren't entitled to express their opinions (as long as they conform to forum rules about courtesy, etc.).

Originally Posted by bazookajoe

I don't know that it was published anywhere—I read it on CS, a forum that in a way led to the creation of this Asylum.

This is a friendly bunch and we're all adults here. Comments made about reviews or any posts really are opinions and not meant to be taken personally. I'm sure everyone hopes you are successful and make a nice living at what you do, but your style is not for everyone. There's no need to defend yourself if they say so—the forum is of no use to anyone if members aren't entitled to express their opinions (as long as they conform to forum rules about courtesy, etc.).

I take all creative criticism seriously. "You suck." not so much.
The ones that tell me they get confused and aren't sure what they cigar is about is a valid criticism. I've taken that to heart.
I agree with everything you say. Unfortunately, I dug a deep hole and I'm dragging everyone in with me.

[Whipper Snapper]

Originally Posted by MajorCaptSilly

There are actually a few people who don't understand/appreciate my sense of humor. I know it seems ludicrous but it's true. You have to understand that if you put it out there, you may not get the results you wanted. Move on and be happy. It's just words on a screen.


MCS

So, what do you guys think of this?

Originally Posted by Tecnorobo

So, what do you guys think of this?

Oh God!
I have to find a hot poker for my eyes.