Some great dirty jokes!

[wshan]

more more more if you got them....good stuff

Great Jokes!!! Keep em coming.

Keep these coming. This was a great way to start my day.

Great thread

[WildBlueSooner]

For your continued enjoyment:

1)A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."
"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

2)A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

3)A young female teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz "behind my back I've got something red, round and you can eat it. what is it?" she asked. "an apple" replied little Raymond "no," said the teacher " it's a tomato but it shows your thinking." "I've now got something round, a greenish colored you can eat it." "An apple," replied little Ian "No it's an onion, but it shows your thinking." Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says "I've got something under my desk that's an inch long, white and it has a red end." "Dirty little boy," said the teacher "No it's a match, but it shows you were thinking," he answered.

[WildBlueSooner]

Did I ever tell you all I got kicked out of cubscouts? Why, you ask. All I did was eat a brownie.

[WildBlueSooner]

I liked this one:

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Originally Posted by WildBlueSooner

Did I ever tell you all I got kicked out of cubscouts? Why, you ask. All I did was eat a brownie.

Variation: When does a cubscout become a boyscout? When he eats his first brownie.

[WildBlueSooner]

To go with the UPS thread:

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner,
coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the UPS man comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild." "Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet.

Then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded.

"Your name came up seven times..."

[WildBlueSooner]

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

[WildBlueSooner]

Got a few more for you!

1)They finally released the ingredients in Viagra! 3% Vitamin E, 2% Aspirin, 2% Ibuprofen, 1% Vitamin C, 5% Spray Starch, 87% Fix-A-Flat.

2)A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

3)Bill and Marla decided the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making love." Mom and Dad bolted upright in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too," his son replied.

[ca21455]

A man came up to his friend and told him about a great new invention, a drive up medical office. You drive up, insert your sample and in a few seconds a diagnosis appears. He had gone there last week, inserted a sample of his rash and out out came a prescription. The medicine worked great and in a few days his rash was gone.

Thinking this is just dumb, the man ignored his friends comments but a few days later a fellow worker came by and told him how he was feeling terrible and went to the drive up medical office. He inserted a urine sample and a few seconds later received a prescription and after a few days felt great.

Well thinking this whole thing was just a scam the man decided to fool the doc in a box. He collected a urine sample from his daughter, a stool sample from his dog and just for good measure whacked off in a jar, mixed the whole thing together and inserted into the machine.

A few seconds later a message came out which read:

Your daughter is pregnat, your dog has worms, and if you do not quit jerking off your tennis elbow will never heal.

[WildBlueSooner]

Originally Posted by ca21455

A man came up to his friend and told him about a great new invention, a drive up medical office. You drive up, insert your sample and in a few seconds a diagnosis appears. He had gone there last week, inserted a sample of his rash and out out came a prescription. The medicine worked great and in a few days his rash was gone.

Thinking this is just dumb, the man ignored his friends comments but a few days later a fellow worker came by and told him how he was feeling terrible and went to the drive up medical office. He inserted a urine sample and a few seconds later received a prescription and after a few days felt great.

Well thinking this whole thing was just a scam the man decided to fool the doc in a box. He collected a urine sample from his daughter, a stool sample from his dog and just for good measure whacked off in a jar, mixed the whole thing together and inserted into the machine.

A few seconds later a message came out which read:

Your daughter is pregnat, your dog has worms, and if you do not quit jerking off your tennis elbow will never heal.

nice! Thanks for contributing....come on guys and gals, I know you know some good dirty jokes!

[ECPrevatte]

I have tons-Check out Eli on youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqg3pqezFWM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwWxwHRp-fo

[WildBlueSooner]

Originally Posted by ECPrevatte

I have tons-Check out Eli on youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqg3pqezFWM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwWxwHRp-fo

Haha...f'in hilarious. Thanks for sharing!

[DPD6030]

Keep them coming (no pun intended ) James! Freakin hilarious

[WildBlueSooner]

Sorry I have been slacking on my pimping...I was on leave, so here ya go.

1)A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news," he explained, "is that your fiance has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before." The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?" "Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."

2)A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. "Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course," he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there." The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the coed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little *****." "I would, too," the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"

3)Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!" To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

4) man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There is three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colors are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds really, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

Enjoy and have a good weekend!

[ECPrevatte]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=on-0WqCB_9U

[WildBlueSooner]

Originally Posted by ECPrevatte

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=on-0WqCB_9U

Those friggin crack me up

[WildBlueSooner]

Ok got a few more for you!

1)A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

2)A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldnt because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "Im sorry, I think he's too far in."