Jury duty is like a wet/dry vac...

[TideRoll]

Indeed.

I have federal jury duty starting Monday. I will be basically on call for two weeks, where I have to check in every evening to see if I have to report the next day. That basically freezes me out for two weeks, not knowing if I can meet a deadline, if I can take an assignment, when I can schedule something, etc. Is that on-call idea supposed to make things more palatable? Fail.

I didn't take two weeks for my honeymoon. I am self-employed and I can say straight up, I am not going to be hanging around for two weeks while the busiest time of my year gets pissed away by bickering attorneys while I get $40 a day or whatever insulting amount the government deems appropriate to defecate in my general direction. Usually, when attorneys spend my time, they have to pay me for it.

It isn't as if I do not want to do my duty, I fully recognize the importance of a quality jury pool and see the consequences of the lack thereof. But two weeks? Give me a freaking break already. To top it off, my county wants to bring me in at the end of August for jury duty in their circuit. I guess I might as well give up my job, my house, and my car. After all, we all exist to serve the state, do we not?

And of course, I will not survive the cull any time I am called. I haven't yet and I don't expect that to change. In Birmingham, the attorneys really seem to detest critical thinkers or anyone gainfully employed or younger than ninety. A friend of mine is a federal judge in my district. His secretary is best friends with the lady who does the jury. I have held off thus far in pulling that particular chain, but the closer Monday gets and the more work I have come in, the antsier I get and the more I am tempted. Two weeks... what the hell is the government thinking? If an attorney can't make their points in most cases with which I have been involved within a week, they should be beaten into a comatose state with a frozen trout and left to rot in the noon day sun. Two weeks. Someone please shoot me now.

[TideRoll]

Turns out, that like so many times the temptation to fly off the handle exists, things were not as bad as feared. In the northern district of AL, the federal courts only seat juries on Monday. That means if you don't get taken on the first Monday, you are free for the week. You have one more gauntlet to run the following week on Monday, but again, if you don't get picked, you are home free. Thank goodness this was not like our state and county courts, which can often kill an entire week whether or not you ever get onto an actual serving jury. And of course, since I am employed and under 95 years old, and answer the bumper sticker question with "NRA," I always get struck. Go figure. Two days lost is better than ten or five.