A few for your reading pleasure!

hotreds · 08-27-2015, 09:39 PM

1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Joel woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. ...That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD-40.

4. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? 'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

6. The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

8. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, ...or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

9. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, ...soldier on!"

10. I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast all day now.

11. Bought the misses a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

12. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

13. My misses packed my bags and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "...So now you want me to stay!"

Brlesq · 08-28-2015, 07:29 AM

Couple of good ones there.

stearns · 08-28-2015, 07:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hotreds

6. The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

big_jaygee · 08-28-2015, 08:18 AM

CigarNut · 08-28-2015, 11:15 AM

shilala · 08-28-2015, 11:55 AM

Tio Gato · 08-28-2015, 02:11 PM

Well done! I was laughing so hard I thought beer was gonna come out of my nose!

hotreds · 08-28-2015, 02:56 PM

Good to "see" you, Jeff!

08-27-2015, 09:39 PM	#1
hotreds Ephesians 2:8 Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 5 miles past "Resume Speed" Posts: 11,662 Trading: (63)	A few for your reading pleasure! 1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. 2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Joel woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. ...That's when he realized he had made it home safely. 3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD-40. 4. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen? 5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? 'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor! 6. The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. 7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. 8. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, ...or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. 9. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, ...soldier on!" 10. I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast all day now. 11. Bought the misses a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel. 12. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" 13. My misses packed my bags and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "...So now you want me to stay!" __________________ God loves you so much, that he made you read this, just to let you know.

08-28-2015, 07:29 AM	#2
Brlesq Carpe cigar! Join Date: May 2012 First Name: Bruce Location: Upstate NY Posts: 1,024 Trading: (17)	Re: A few for your reading pleasure! Couple of good ones there. __________________ Hey! How come "Habana" is written on here with a Sharpie ?!?

08-28-2015, 08:18 AM	#4
big_jaygee I'm nuts for the place Join Date: Dec 2012 First Name: Jason Location: Houston Posts: 3,914 Trading: (59)	Re: A few for your reading pleasure!

08-28-2015, 11:15 AM	#5
CigarNut Fck Cancer! Join Date: Jan 2009 First Name: Michael Location: Clermont, Florida Posts: 18,042 Trading: (111*)	Re: A few for your reading pleasure! __________________ Need Beads? Need Five Finger Bags? 2 of 3 Requirements for use of the CA Rolodex: 100 posts/ 60 day membership/ participation in trade (trader rating). New members can be added at any time.

08-28-2015, 11:55 AM	#6
shilala Dear Lord, Thank You. Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Scott Posts: 13,721 Trading: (252)	Re: A few for your reading pleasure! __________________

08-28-2015, 02:11 PM	#7
Tio Gato Uncle Kitty Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Jeff Location: Casa Grande, AZ Posts: 2,075 Trading: (11)	Re: A few for your reading pleasure! Well done! I was laughing so hard I thought beer was gonna come out of my nose! __________________ "You stink like cigars Uncle Kitty!" Said my Boo age 3. "Kid, take care of your family and the hell with anyone else" My Grandpa Bubba.

08-28-2015, 02:56 PM	#8
hotreds Ephesians 2:8 Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 5 miles past "Resume Speed" Posts: 11,662 Trading: (63)	Re: A few for your reading pleasure! Good to "see" you, Jeff! __________________ God loves you so much, that he made you read this, just to let you know.