Santa sure is a straight shooter

TheStatsGuy · 02-04-2010, 01:02 PM

If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....

************************************************** **
Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all
yeer.

Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I
send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older
brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa

************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid
mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me
send you some Legos instead.

Santa

************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you
up with a Barbie.

Santa

************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
Scotch.

Santa

************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend
most of my time making low-budget ****o films. I unwind by drinking myself
silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at
the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.

Santa

************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE
could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

************************************************** **
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman
does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,
Santa

02-04-2010, 01:02 PM	#1
TheStatsGuy I'm a proud Masshole Join Date: Sep 2009 First Name: Tim #4 Location: Somewhere, WMASS Posts: 288 Trading: (17)	Santa sure is a straight shooter If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly..... ************************************************ Deer Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa ************************************************ Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa ************************************************ Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa ************************************************ Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa ************************************************ Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa ************************************************ Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget **o films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa ********************************************** Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa ************************************************ Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy Dear Timmy, That whiney begging ** may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa ********************************************** Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky Dear Mark, First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa __________________ Why is it a dog rocket and not a cat crater?