Lewis Grizzard: "How to treat a Woman" circa 1991

[SmokeyJoe]

Hey all...

Ran across this and as a fan of Lewis Grizzard and one who misses this great Southern Humorist... I offer this classic musing.

I was entering a building recently and a lady walked up behind me. I opened the door, stood back, and allowed the lady to go first. She smiled and said, “Thank you.”

I followed behind her and we came upon another door. I waited for her to go ahead. But she just stood there. For a moment, I was puzzled at her delay. Then it occurred to me. She was waiting for me to open the door for her again, which I promptly did. Again she smiled and said, “Thank you.“ How refreshing. It had been a long time since I have run across a woman - and a fairly young one at that - who seemed to want and expect a bit of chivalry from the opposite sex.

I think I can speak for most American men and say we are terribly confused in this day of liberated women. We‘re not sure if women want us to treat them in the old, mannerly way or not. If I open a door for a woman, will she take it to mean I think she’s not strong enough to open it herself and knee me in the groin? Judging from the incident I described above, there may be, in fact, a number of women out there who do still appreciate a bit of gallantry now and then.

I am a bit rusty in this area, so I asked around among my female acquaintances until I found one from the old school who could reprogram me a bit on how to treat a lady.

“Do you know,” she began, “how to approach a revolving door with a woman by your side?“ I had no clue. “You go first,“ she explained, “push the door so the lady can simply walk behind you without having to put out any effort other own.”

There were others:

Walking on the sidewalk. “A man should always walk nearest the curb, in case a car might come along and splash water.”

Lighting a cigarette. “Not that many people smoke anymore, but in case you meet a lady who does, it is appropriate to light her cigarette, if you both are smoking, light hers first. If you use a match, light yours first, so as to take the noxious fumes that erupt when a match is first struck.“

Standing when a lady enters the room. “I still appreciate that. It makes me feel special.”

Helping a lady out of a car. “Offer her one hand and then put the other gently behind her back. Never put both hands on her.“

On elevators. “When leaving an elevator, if it is not crowded, stand aside and allow the woman to walk out first“

I had just one more question:

“What if I follow all these rules but run into a woman who is offended by them, and she knees me in the groin?”

“Once you catch your breath,“ said my friend, “tip your hat and offer her a cigar”