PAD - A Horror Story

We all experienced it and if not then you most likely will sometime in the near future. It is very frustrating and has been known to make a grown man or two cry, or at-least break their heart. What am I talking about? The one that got away.

From time to time pipe smokers will fall prey to a sickness identified as PAD, Pipe Acquisition Disorder. Sadly, if you are in fact a pipe smoker then chances are you or someone you love has been diagnosed with this disorder. It is a painful disorder that begins deep in the bowels of a man. It starts as a whisper and grows into a roar. “I must buy pipes!” says the man stricken with PAD and off he goes to peruse the flea markets, local shops, and websites for a new acquisition. Everyone is always told there is a happy ending. Man with PAD goes looking for pipe, man finds pipe, man purchases pipe, and man is happy. However, life is not as simple. May the following story serve as a warning.

On this particularly evening, last night to be exact, a certain man received news that he was going to be acquiring genuine United States currency for a particular upcoming holiday. Ecstatic about the incoming cash flow, the man proceeded to ponder upon what he should buy. He first thought of purchasing a gift for his beautiful girlfriend. He decided this was a viable option and decided to browse the internet for an item to bequest upon his girlfriend. He reached the website and felt a twinge in his stomach. Some voice deep within was telling him this was not right, this money would be wasted. He felt perplexed. How then was he supposed to spend this money? It was then that the man heard an almost faint whisper say, “pipes”. Pipes? But of course! He quickly flipped over to Marty Pulvers website to look at the beautiful pipes he had for sale. Alas, none were found to be pleasing to both the wallet and eyes. He resolved to email Marty Pulvers and inquire about the possibility of new pipes being listed. It was while waiting for Marty to email him back that the man became tired. He decided he would go to bed early and in the morning he would spend the currency. After a restful night’s sleep the man awoke eager and ready to check his inbox. Alas, an email from Mr. Pulvers! He quickly opened the email which advised him to check the website yet again as there were new pipes available. The man eagerly pulled up the website and began browsing the pipes available. Egad! A pipe freshly listed, both pleasing to the eyes and the wallet! The man proceeded to dial Marty and inquire about the pipe. Marty answered and sadly told the man the pipe had already been spoken for. How could this be as the pipe had only been listed for not even an hour? The man said his regards to Marty thanking him for his time, and hung up. The man proceeded to sink in his chair as he sat quietly. It was: THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY.

The previous story is in fact true and occurred just today. May it be a warning to all who suffer from PAD that there is not always a happy ending.