How to Tell If You're a MassHole

[massphatness]

How to tell if you're a Masshole ...

1. The Red Sox World Series win was, and will always be, one of the greatest moments in your life.

2. The guy driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you're swearing at him for going too slow.

3. When ordering a tonic, you mean a Coke.

4. You went to Canobie Lake Park or Water Country as a kid.

5. You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.

6. You do not recognize the letter 'R' as a part of the English language.

7. Your social security number starts with a zero.

8. You can actually find your way around the streets of Boston .

9. You know what a 'regular' coffee is.

10. You keep an ice scraper in your car year-round.

11. You can tell the difference between a Revere accent and a Dorchester accent.

12. Springfield is located 'way out west.'

13. You almost feel disappointed if someone doesn't flip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space.

14. You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Worcester, Billerica, Gloucester, Peabody and Haverhill.

15. Anyone you don't know is a potential idiot until proven otherwise.

16. Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts or CVS Pharmacy within eyeshot at all times.

17. You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday just to buy alcohol.

18. You know how to pronounce Yastrzemski.

19. You know there's a trophy at the end of the Bean Pot.

20. You order iced coffee in January.

21. You know that the Purple Line will take you anywhere.

22. You love scorpion bowls.

23. You know what they sell at a Packie.

24. Sorry Manny, but number 24 means DEWEY EVANS.

25. You know what First Night is.

26. You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud or Seamus. Bonus: You know how to pronounce Seamus.

27. McLobster = McCrap

28. You know at least 2 cops in your town because they were your high school drinking buddies.

29. You know there are 6 New England states, but that Connecticut really doesn't count.

30. You give incomprehensible directions to tourists, feel bad when they drive off, but then say to yourself 'Ah, screw them.'

31. You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink after last call.

32. You hate the Kennedys, but you vote for them anyway.

33. You know holding onto the railing when riding the Green Line is not optional.

34. The numbers '78 and '86 make you cringe.

35. You've been to Goodtimes

36. You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day (...and they DO).

37. You have never actually been to 'Cheers.'

38. The words ' WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together.

39. You've been to Fenway Park .

40. You've gone to at least one party at UMass.

41. You own a 'Yankees Suck' shirt or hat.

42. You know what a Frappe is.

43. You've been to Hempfest.

44. You know who Frank Averuch is.

45. You know Frank Averuch was once Bozo the Clown

46. You can complete the following: 'Lynn, Lynn .....'

47. You get pissed off when a restaurant serves clam chowder, and it turns out to be ******' Snows.

48. You actually know how to merge from six lanes of traffic down to one.

49. The TV weatherman is damn good if he's right 25% of the time.

50. You never go to Cape Cod, you go 'down the Cape '.

51. You think that Roger Clemens and Johnny Damon are more evil than Whitey Bulger.

52. You know who Whitey Bulger is.

53. You went to the Swan Boats, House of Seven Gables, or Plymouth Plantation on a field trip in elementary school.

54. Bobby Orr is loved as much as Larry Bird, Tom Brady, and Ted Williams.

55. You remember Major Mudd.

56. You know what candlepin bowling is.

57. You can drive from the mountains to the ocean all in one day.

58. You know Scollay Square once stood where Government Center is.

59. When you were a kid, Rex Trailer was the coolest guy around. Speaking of which.... You can still hum the song from the end of Boom Town.

61. Calling Carrabba's an 'Italian' restaurant is sacrilege.

62. You still have your old Flexible Flyer somewhere in your parents' attic.

63. You know that route 128 is some kind of strange weather dividing line - snow/rain

64. The only time you've been on the Freedom Trail is when relatives are in town.

65. The Big Dig tunnel disaster wasn't a surprise.

66. You call guys you've just met 'Chief' or 'Boss.'

67. 4:15pm and pitch black out means only 3 more shopping days until Christmas.

68. You know more than one person with the last name Murphy.

69. You refer to Savin Hill as 'Stab 'n Kill.'

70. You've never eaten at Durgin Park , but recommend it to tourists.

71. You can't look at the zip code 02134 without singing it.

72. You voted for a Republican Mormon as Governor just to screw with the rest of the country.

73 11 pm ? Drunk? It means one thing: Kowloons!

74. 2 am ? Drunk? It means one thing: Kelly's! The one on Revere Beach not the one on Route 1.

75. 5 am ? Drunk? It means one thing: You wish you had a blanket in your back seat.

76. You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group.

77. People you don't like are all 'Bastids.'

78. You took off school or work for the Patriots first Super Bowl Win Parade.

79. You've called something 'wicked pissa.'

80. You'll always get razzed for Dukakis.

81. Saturday afternoons meant Creature Double Feature with Dale Dorman.

82. Sunday mornings meant the Three Stooges on Channel 38.

83. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater.

84. No, you don't trust the Gorton's Fisherman.

85. You know that Papa Gino's usually has a jukebox.

86. You think Aerosmith is the greatest rock band of all time

87. Your town has at least 6 pizza and roast beef shops.

88. You know at least three Tony's, one Vinny and a Frankie.

89. 20 degrees is downright balmy as long as there is no wind - then it gets wicked cold.

90. You were very sad when saying goodbye to the Boston Garden .

91. Thanksgiving means family, turkey, High School football, and the long version of Alice 's Restaurant.

92. You know the guy who founded the Boston Pops was named Athah Feedlah.

93. You know what the Combat Zone is.

94. You actually drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax.

95. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left.

96. You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop.

97. You've been to Hampton Beach on a Saturday night.

98. Playing street hockey was a daily after school ritual.

99. Hearing an old lady shout 'Numbah 96 for Sioux City!' means it's time for steak.

100. You remember Jordan Marsh, Filene's, Grants, Bradlees, Caldor, Zayres, or Ann & Hope.

101. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Massachusetts.