Laws and More Laws

[hotreds]

Congress regularly passes Laws of Unintended Consequences, then scrambles around to try to fix them. Out in the real world, human nature creates its own laws, most of them immutable. For example:

The Law of Telephone Book White Pages
The name you are looking for will not be in the telephone book. Or, if it is, no address will be listed.

The Law of Scandal-Tainted Politicians
They will always say they are “stepping down” to spend more time with their families.

The Law of Crabgrass
The speed of growth of crabgrass, oxalis, and other infestations in your lawn will increase in direct proportion to your efforts to eliminate them.

The Law of Yellow Pages
The category of the business you are looking for will not be found in the Yellow Pages under any logical designation.

The Law of Lines
Where there are multiple lines for anything (post office, toll booths, banks) you will always be in the slowest one.

The Law of Martinis
The martini you ordered will come either on the rocks or made with vodka, unless you specified “gin” and “straight up.” This is a result of too many establishments not looking up the recipe for martinis.

The EPA Law of Writing Regulations
If something works, stop it dead in its tracks.

The Law of Customer Service
When you telephone Customer Service the automatic reply will be, “Your call is very important to us. All of our representatives are assisting other customers. Your call will be answered in the order it was received.” Translation: She’s on coffee break.

The Law of Museums
The museum that you visit in the distant city will be closed the day you are there. (If you think all museums close on Mondays, you haven’t been to enough museums.)

The Law of Sinking Political Appointees
When a Presidential appointee has committed an egregious error or has been designated as the scapegoat for one, the Presidential spokesman will say, “The President has complete confidence in ___________.” He or she will be gone within days.

The Law of Automobile Noises
When the service department or repair shop examines the squeak or rattle in your automobile that has been annoying you for days, even weeks, they will report that they test drove the car and found no evidence of any squeak or rattle.

The Law of Writing Instructions for Government Forms
If it can be stated in a few words, use many.

The Law Governing Instructions for Setting Up Electronic Gadgets
They must be written as if they were bad translations from Chinese, Korean or Japanese and/or they must be missing one step.

The Law of Light Bulbs
Any replacement light bulb you buy, regardless of how all-American its brand name, will have been made in China.

And, finally, Murphy’s Law
If anything can go wrong, it will.

Peter Hannaford