Rules of a True Guy

[BigAl_SC]

Rules of a True Guy

Rule 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Rule 2: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

Rule 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

Rule 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Rule 5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

Rule 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, you may complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

Rule 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

Rule 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

Rule 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

Rule 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

Rule 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

Rule 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

Rule 13: Unless you're in prison, never fight partially clothed or naked.

Rule 14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever.

Rule 15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

Rule 16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

Rule 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

Rule 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

Rule 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

Rule 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, unless she's withholding sex pending your response.

Rule 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

Rule 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Rule 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

Rule 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Rule 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

Rule 26: Thou shall not buy a car or motorcycle in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

Rule 27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

Rule 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Figure Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

[ir13]

ROFL,

Very nice.

Priceless!

Though I disagree with No. 22. Conversation can wait until you get outside. No acknowledgement, just look straight ahead.

[SmokeyJoe]

That's good stuff... had to share it with a few folks.

[ucla695]

These are great. So many good ones in there!

Nice one....

True

[icurrie]

Originally Posted by BigAl_SC

Rules of a True Guy

Rule 26: Thou shall not buy a car or motorcycle in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. Unless it has a HEMI.

The only change I can see.

These rules go on the wall in the library!

29. If a friend calls shotgun, there is no other option than he to have shotgun, none of this double barrel laser crap.
30. If your girlfriend/wife can shoot, and has easy access to your weapons it is inadvisable to return home late one night without loudly announcing that you're home (scared the **** out of me hearing the AR being charged..)
31. Dog's do not wear costumes. Dogs may wear team jerseys. Dog's simply do not wear costumes.
32. Do not fruit the beer.
33. If your friends Girlfriend dumps him, she is off limits for 6 months. If he dumps her... jump on it.
34. While out with your wife/girlfriend you must defend her honor at all costs. If "some jerk copped a feel as she walked by" it is your duty/privilege to beat him senseless. If not, you sir, are a coward.
35. If your buddy decides to "go ugly early" and is sober enough to tell you to f*ck off when you question his judgement, let him do it, if he isn't stop him.
36. addendum to #3. Camera's are allowed but all contents thereof must remain Top Secret/No Foreign (females) but only if the entire party agrees to allow the camera.
37. If caught looking at a hot chick in a "suggestive" outfit, your answers are: "I'm glad you don't dress like that", "I swear I knew that girl back in elementary school", or "My brother used to date her"
38. If you cannot quote Sean Connery in at least 3 movies, you fail.
39. If you cannot name 3 different movies that John Wayne is in, choke yourself.
40. IF you remember your buddy's birthday, Alcohol is always an acceptable gift. (knowing your buddies brithdays is not required)

[Silound]

41. If you have a truck with a bed and lawn chairs, there is no suitable reason you can't be using both to assist in oogling women, watching sports, and drinking beer.

42. If you didn't have to empty the bed out to set up, you fail. Go trade your truck in for a Caravan or a Civic hatchback.

43. Guys are only allowed to own real trucks. It isn't a truck unless it meets three of the following requirements:

a. Is it so dirty you can only see the paint on top of the cab?
b. Does it have big tires? (big means taller than you are, not some wussy 20's)
c. Does it have more than the usual(4)/legal(6) number of tires?
d. Can your exhaust pollute half a city block and drown out a marching band with the roar?
e. Real trucks only have chrome on the bumpers and on custom stacks (which must extend higher than the cab of the truck by at least 6"). Chrome tips are for losers.
f. If it isn't at least a V8 and isn't diesel, it's not an engine. If you don't have an engine, you can't have a truck, you have scrap metal.
g. If it doesn't say CHEVROLET, GMC, FORD, or DODGE on it, it's not a truck, it's an eco loving hippie wagon.
h. Know what? Make it all of the above.

44. Be ambiguous as possible when talking. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
45. Name your penis. Make sure it's something narcissistic and unoriginal like "Spike".
46. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a woman on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
47. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
48. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have
Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
49. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
50. Guys don't show emotion. If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage, lust, and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You don't be asked to do it again. Ever. Props if you can pull this off in the company of in-laws.