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12-10-2008, 12:35 PM | #1 |
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How to Poop at work
HOW TO POOP AT WORK:
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. *CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. *FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers.. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. *ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. *JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred . *COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. *WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. *OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. *THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P F.N)* A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. *SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. *TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. *CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE. *SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. *WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH... *HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE. *AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees! SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~ The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard. Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs. Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop. Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house. The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water. The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down. The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam. The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise. NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE QUIT LAUGHING.. POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS |
12-10-2008, 12:44 PM | #2 |
MassHole
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Re: How to Poop at work
I have a few *SAFE HAVENS* around the different warehouses...
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12-10-2008, 01:10 PM | #5 |
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Re: How to Poop at work
Fellers here crop dust at will, all the damn time....
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12-10-2008, 01:31 PM | #6 |
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Re: How to Poop at work
Funny as hell. Someone did this ( crop dusting ) at Publix grocery store the other day and I got blamed for it. I was in the meat dept. looking for a good cut of beef and I walked into this god awful butt mist and nearly died. There was a lady behind me looking at some steaks as well and when she got a whiff of it she started coughing and looking at me like I was the culprit and I wanted to say something to the effect,,,it wasn't me,,,but what am I going to do, insist that I didn't lay down some butt napalm and argue with her? I wheeled my cart around and took off into the detergent aisle only to run into her at least 3 more times in the store where I kept getting dirty looks from her. I hate it when I get tagged for something I didn't do but guess karma caught up to me as I crop dust pretty much anywhere and fly off afterwards.
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12-10-2008, 01:42 PM | #7 |
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Re: How to Poop at work
Come on Gary, you know it was you.
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12-10-2008, 06:27 PM | #8 |
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Re: How to Poop at work
I would like to have taken credit for that one,,,it was just hideous and whoever did it should be in the hospital. It hung around for sooo lonnnggggg and when I diverted into the detergent aisle to get away and came back a bit later, it was still there,,,like some kind of mustard gas. I swear I have never smelled anything like this and when I said it was butt mist, that is exactly what it was. You know how like when a skunk lays down it's "skunkness" and you can smell it forever? It was like this,,,total putridness. I have to believe it was one of those death farts,,,ya know where right before you expire everything lets loose and the stench,,,,,, |
12-10-2008, 08:26 PM | #10 |
Have My Own Room
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Re: How to Poop at work
Have to admit I'm an out of the closet pooper. If I did it I own it and proudly.
Of course don't mind passing it off on someone else, pun intended, for laughs also.
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12-11-2008, 05:21 PM | #11 | |
Have My Own Room
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Re: How to Poop at work
Quote:
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12-11-2008, 12:47 PM | #13 |
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Re: How to Poop at work
It's amazing how much a good dump thread can brighten my day, I must be sick....
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12-11-2008, 05:34 PM | #14 |
Back from the dead
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Re: How to Poop at work
now im gonna be crop dusting everywhere anytime hehe
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