Some Good Ones...

kelmac07 · 05-09-2012, 01:11 PM

- I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!

- The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she’s 21 and her name’s Suzie.

- Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 23 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

- My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said, “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”

- Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot..

- Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said, “I not understanding question please.”

- The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries.

- A man calls 911 and says, “I think my wife is dead.” The operator says, “How do you know?” He says, “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”

- I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”

- My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

- I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod, after realizing that “iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.

Hooligan · 05-09-2012, 01:16 PM

Definitely good ones

Ogre · 05-09-2012, 01:20 PM

Not Bad Mac!!! You can stay a while longer.

EricF · 05-09-2012, 01:30 PM

Dam near funny!!!!

cjhalbrooks · 05-09-2012, 03:51 PM

Almost. Pissed my pants

cmitch · 05-09-2012, 08:05 PM

My wife told me to give her 10 inches and make it hurt. So, I cracked her twice and then hit her over the head with a lamp.

My wife wanted anal sex to be more enjoyable so we went to a sex therapist. He explained if I was doing it right, when she orgasmed, her ass would tighten up. We went back to visit the following week and he asked how it was. "it was great!" quipped my wife. "What was your asshole doing while you were having an orgasm?"
"Oh, he was at home, keeping the kids!"

I rolled over and asked my wife to give me some washing machine. She told me I wasn't getting anything from her until I learned to call 'it' by it's proper name. About 15 minutes later, she said, "Oh, alright! You can have it."
"Too late babe. Done washed a load by hand!"

SvilleKid · 05-09-2012, 09:51 PM

Me and my wife decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.

TJarv · 05-09-2012, 09:58 PM

Skywalker · 05-09-2012, 11:50 PM

05-09-2012, 01:11 PM	#1
kelmac07 Resident Maduro Whore!! Join Date: Apr 2009 First Name: Mac Location: Newport News, VA Posts: 27,322 Trading: (218)	Some Good Ones... - I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning! - The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she’s 21 and her name’s Suzie. - Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 23 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. - My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said, “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.” - Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.. - Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said, “I not understanding question please.” - The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries. - A man calls 911 and says, “I think my wife is dead.” The operator says, “How do you know?” He says, “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!” - I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You obviously haven’t been listening.” - My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back. - I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod, after realizing that “iTouch Kids” is not a good product name. __________________ Dom in the MLB thread "I could probably get you to wear a Yankee hat for a Maduro!"

05-09-2012, 01:16 PM	#2
Hooligan Still Watching My Back Join Date: Apr 2012 First Name: Matt Location: Annapolis, MD Posts: 79 Trading: (0)	Re: Some Good Ones... Definitely good ones

05-09-2012, 01:20 PM	#3
Ogre **CENSORED** Join Date: Apr 2010 First Name: Larry Location: Central Florida Posts: 12,068 Trading: (46)	Re: Some Good Ones... Not Bad Mac!!! You can stay a while longer. __________________

05-09-2012, 01:30 PM	#4
EricF Ain't Never Gonna Leave Join Date: Oct 2010 First Name: Eric Location: Miramar, FL Posts: 7,004 Trading: (116)	Re: Some Good Ones... Dam near funny!!!! __________________ It might taste crummy, but at least it's huge.

05-09-2012, 03:51 PM	#5
cjhalbrooks I am behind you. SHHHHH Join Date: Dec 2011 First Name: Cory Location: Under a Bridge, trying to find the troll who stole my soul. Posts: 1,370 Trading: (20)	Re: Some Good Ones... Almost. Pissed my pants __________________ GMCGTPWHAF Tennessee Chapter. Down with the bloody BIG HEAD

05-09-2012, 08:05 PM	#6
cmitch Heads up get down Join Date: Oct 2010 First Name: Clayton Location: NW Alabama by the river Posts: 2,720 Trading: (25)	Re: Some Good Ones... My wife told me to give her 10 inches and make it hurt. So, I cracked her twice and then hit her over the head with a lamp. My wife wanted anal sex to be more enjoyable so we went to a sex therapist. He explained if I was doing it right, when she orgasmed, her ass would tighten up. We went back to visit the following week and he asked how it was. "it was great!" quipped my wife. "What was your asshole doing while you were having an orgasm?" "Oh, he was at home, keeping the kids!" I rolled over and asked my wife to give me some washing machine. She told me I wasn't getting anything from her until I learned to call 'it' by it's proper name. About 15 minutes later, she said, "Oh, alright! You can have it." "Too late babe. Done washed a load by hand!" __________________ No matter what one's status is in society, cigars are the great equalizer where the affluent and common share a love for the leaf. - Me.

05-09-2012, 09:51 PM	#7
SvilleKid Yes I am a Pirate Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 33°46′08″N 86°28′16″W / 33.76895°N 86.471037°W Posts: 2,776 Trading: (52)	Re: Some Good Ones... Me and my wife decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part. __________________ Ceilin' fan it stirs the air, Cigar smoke does swirl. The fragrance on the pillow case, and he thinks about the girl. Thanks, JB, 1975.

05-09-2012, 09:58 PM	#8
TJarv In it to win it Join Date: Mar 2012 First Name: Tony Location: Aubrey, Texas Posts: 2,027 Trading: (58)	Re: Some Good Ones...

05-09-2012, 11:50 PM	#9
Skywalker BABOTL Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Dice Location: Galaxy Far Far Away Posts: 10,168 Trading: (18)	Re: Some Good Ones... __________________ Smoke what you like!!!