Women

[BradNC]

I know that is a "broad" topic. Sorry but couldn't resist leading with that. Anyway, I need some help. I've been seeing the same girl for a few years and work with her as well (I know, I know....mistake to begin with). I like quite a bit of things about her and I can be myself around her which is nice. She even puts up with cigars. : ) She would like to get married one day and has a kid which doesn't seem to respect me much no matter what I do. We've kept our relationship private at work and I think she wants to change that. The drama of her ex also is interesting. I don't know that I ever want to get remarried again (done that once - I'm 37 - never had kids) or if I can handle trying to raise someone else's kid or having such responsibility when in reality I have very little input on the daughter - she is 10. I just don't know. She can be fairly selfish and wants to end things (told me Monday) since she knows how I feel about getting remarried and her daughter not respecting me.

I'd appreciate any input. This could make my work life hell so I'm not sure if we do part ways how we can both remain at the same place. The good thing is I would only see her on Wednesdays but we have to email and work on projects together most of the time so we interact most of the week even if I'm not in the office. My job is very good as well as the pay so I can't afford to really leave that. I've been looking for another one for some time but no results yet. It really hurts to think of losing her but I guess if I know my limitations, I have to be true to that. She has known my views on marriage and her daughter for over a year or more.

Thank you in advance for your help. Funny how I feel like I can come to y'all for help but not even to folks I know locally. Guess that speaks to the power of cigars.

[E.J.]

Don't know what input you expect on a kid that you are the mothers boyfriend. I assume you don't live together, was not mentioned. IMO, your input should probably be "very little." Until I moved in with my girlfriend at the time, now wife, we had been dating for over a year and she had pretty much ZERO input on decision related to my son.

Also not sure how her knowing that you want different things in this relationship and thus wanting to end it is being selfish, sounds fairly intelligent to me.

Anyway, just one mans opinion....

[BradNC]

I see your point and agree. I wasn't saying she is being selfish on this, just in general I've found it to be that way.

Originally Posted by E.J.

Don't know what input you expect on a kid that you are the mothers boyfriend. I assume you don't live together, was not mentioned. IMO, your input should probably be "very little." Until I moved in with my girlfriend at the time, now wife, we had been dating for over a year and she had pretty much ZERO input on decision related to my son.

Also not sure how her knowing that you want different things in this relationship and thus wanting to end it is being selfish, sounds fairly intelligent to me.

Anyway, just one mans opinion....

[mosesbotbol]

Originally Posted by BradSacramento

It really hurts to think of losing her but I guess if I know my limitations, I have to be true to that. She has known my views on marriage and her daughter for over a year or more.

Is she pushing to get married vs. just saying she wants to marry someday? Does she want you to be a parent to her daughter? If things beyond the daughter are working I would keep moving forward.

As you get older and grow, your thoughts on marriage could change, but inevitably you will have to move in together and live as couple or break up. 37 is still young, but you decisions reverberate longer than when younger.

Her daughter's opinion of you should be of concern. Why does she not like you or at least show indifference? Are you taking away time between her mom and her?

[BradNC]

I think she is between pushing to get married and wanting to get married someday. She just knows I'm not really a fan of doing that and I've been clear with her about that for some time. I'm sure she wants me to be a parent to her daughter. Her daughter loves me - she just doesn't listen to what I say and I feel like I can't discipline her but yet I would have responsibility for her if that makes sense.

[mosesbotbol]

What is it about marriage that turns you away?

Do you think the grass is greener somewhere else?

Where do you picture yourself 10 + 15 year from now?

[BradNC]

I like having my freedom when she isn't around if that makes sense. I'm not sure of the grass elsewhere. I don't know if I'm interested in grass at this point. I'm kind of partial to taking a break for an extended time from ladies if this goes south. I wouldn't mind being single 10-15 years from now I don't think. I'd be happy being by myself.

Originally Posted by mosesbotbol

What is it about marriage that turns you away?

Do you think the grass is greener somewhere else?

Where do you picture yourself 10 + 15 year from now?

[mosesbotbol]

Originally Posted by BradSacramento

I like having my freedom when she isn't around if that makes sense.

I'm kind of partial to taking a break for an extended time from ladies if this goes south.

I wouldn't mind being single 10-15 years from now I don't think. I'd be happy being by myself.

Your answers are leading to one decision, but that is one you have to make on your own. I wouldn't feel comfortable telling you what that is.

[mosesbotbol]

Originally Posted by BradSacramento

* I like having my freedom when she isn't around if that makes sense.

* I''m kind of partial to taking a break for an extended time from ladies if this goes south.

* I wouldn't mind being single 10-15 years from now I don't think. I'd be happy being by myself.

Your answers are leading to one decision, but that is one you have to make on your own. I wouldn't feel comfortable telling you what that is.

[BradNC]

I know. I just need help to either pull my head out or make changes. In answer to the question above, we don't live together but she is here when she doesn't have her daughter. I'm just not a fan of moving in before marriage personally.

[mosesbotbol]

Originally Posted by BradSacramento

I'm just not a fan of moving in before marriage personally.

And you don't want to get married, so you are on dead end street my friend. I have a friend in a similar circumstance. Every relationship ends because he does not want to get married nor does he want to live with them. Seeing how many great women have walked away in his life, he has done some deep introspection to find out why he can only evolve to this level.

Like you, he was married once. You may want to seek professional help to figure out why you are feeling they way you do. Not saying your feelings are incorrect or wrong, but something has struck a chord in you.

I have never been married, but hope so one day. I am in no rush and as long as my girlfriend is happy, I am too. I am committed to her and that is what is most important. If we are to have kids, I'd want to be married before contraception.

[RevSmoke]

Originally Posted by BradSacramento

I know that is a "broad" topic. Sorry but couldn't resist leading with that. Anyway, I need some help. I've been seeing the same girl for a few years and work with her as well (I know, I know....mistake to begin with). I like quite a bit of things about her and I can be myself around her which is nice. She even puts up with cigars. : ) She would like to get married one day and has a kid which doesn't seem to respect me much no matter what I do. We've kept our relationship private at work and I think she wants to change that. The drama of her ex also is interesting. I don't know that I ever want to get remarried again (done that once - I'm 37 - never had kids) or if I can handle trying to raise someone else's kid or having such responsibility when in reality I have very little input on the daughter - she is 10. I just don't know. She can be fairly selfish and wants to end things (told me Monday) since she knows how I feel about getting remarried and her daughter not respecting me.

I don't normally get into these discussions because I usually say it just the way it is - and most people don't like the brutal honest truth. I have to deal with this sort of stuff and couples in trouble all the time.

1st, remember that kids are smarter than we give them credit for.

Here's the deal. Kid already has you pegged. She knows you don't want to get married again (because you're being selfish - meaning you don't want to get hurt again) and so the daughter knows your just in it for what you can get out of the relationship. (while not living together, is there sex involved? if so, she knows it, no matter how much you think you 2 are keeping it secret). She wants mom to be happy, not being used (how she perceives it because you don't want committment), and to be in a relationship where she can be cared for long term. She doesn't want some guy who's going to be around once in a while, she already has that (if she has any relationship with her father), she wants a husband for mom, and for her - a dad.

If you want a relationship, then you have to deal with the ups and downs. I don't know what happened in your first marriage, I know there's a ton of sick garbage that couples put each other through. But, is it fair to string her along if you aren't in it for the long haul?

Here's something to consider, have you ever dealt with the emotional scaring and baggage from your first marriage? That may be what is holding you back. It may be something you are not even consciously aware of.

Yeah, marriage can be a pain. But marriage isn't about being in love, it's about choosing to take care of someone and give your all to them. It is selflessness, and that isn't easy.

We all find relationships easier when they remain fairly superficial - like a bunch of folks that hang out on a bulletin board together. They can be great friends because they aren't dealing with one another live and in person every day, they only have a relationship on mainly one level - and can support one another when the want to. It is an easy out situation.

Unfortunately, too many people have those kinds of relationships outside of the internet as well.

I have been married for over 24 years. Wouldn't change it for anything. Well, I'd change a few of the stupid mistakes I made, but other than that...

I think that you really should seek some therapeutic help, whether you stay with her or not. Seems there are some underlying issues that are at work here.

Will keep you in my prayers as you ponder your next step.

Peace of the Lord be with you.

[Savor the Stick]

Originally Posted by RevSmoke

I don't normally get into these discussions because I usually say it just the way it is - and most people don't like the brutal honest truth. I have to deal with this sort of stuff and couples in trouble all the time.

1st, remember that kids are smarter than we give them credit for.

Here's the deal. Kid already has you pegged. She knows you don't want to get married again (because you're being selfish - meaning you don't want to get hurt again) and so the daughter knows your just in it for what you can get out of the relationship. (while not living together, is there sex involved? if so, she knows it, no matter how much you think you 2 are keeping it secret). She wants mom to be happy, not being used (how she perceives it because you don't want committment), and to be in a relationship where she can be cared for long term. She doesn't want some guy who's going to be around once in a while, she already has that (if she has any relationship with her father), she wants a husband for mom, and for her - a dad.

If you want a relationship, then you have to deal with the ups and downs. I don't know what happened in your first marriage, I know there's a ton of sick garbage that couples put each other through. But, is it fair to string her along if you aren't in it for the long haul?

Here's something to consider, have you ever dealt with the emotional scaring and baggage from your first marriage? That may be what is holding you back. It may be something you are not even consciously aware of.

Yeah, marriage can be a pain. But marriage isn't about being in love, it's about choosing to take care of someone and give your all to them. It is selflessness, and that isn't easy.

We all find relationships easier when they remain fairly superficial - like a bunch of folks that hang out on a bulletin board together. They can be great friends because they aren't dealing with one another live and in person every day, they only have a relationship on mainly one level - and can support one another when the want to. It is an easy out situation.

Unfortunately, too many people have those kinds of relationships outside of the internet as well.

I have been married for over 24 years. Wouldn't change it for anything. Well, I'd change a few of the stupid mistakes I made, but other than that...

I think that you really should seek some therapeutic help, whether you stay with her or not. Seems there are some underlying issues that are at work here.

Will keep you in my prayers as you ponder your next step.

Peace of the Lord be with you.

Good Counsel Todd!

I will keep you in prayer also.

K

[BradNC]

Great points everyone. I'm soaking it in. I appreciate the honesty.