[mhailey]

- You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

- You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

- You have more wives than teeth.

- You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

- You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

- You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

- You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

- You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

- You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.

- You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.