theycallmedan'lboone

Friend of mine wrote this : He is rather barbaric in language (he's a lawyer)
"Tonight in the center of my town they have what's called the "Holiday Stroll". The two main streets are already covered in wreaths, garland and lights. Looks awesome. The stores have specials, the food places put little booths on the street. There is a place to take pics with Santa. And, being a very dog friendly town, many pups are dressed with bells and hats. All in all, quite festive.

And if I buy something or meet someone on the street, I will say to them "Merry Christmas". Therein lies the problem. When, and admittedly I may have missed the interoffice memo on this, did the words "Merry Christmas" as they left my mouth somehow turn into "**** you" before they hit the tympanic membrane of the person I said it to? Because from the look on many people's faces, that's exactly what type of inexplicable phenomenon occurs to me on a daily basis for the past few years.

Now I promise you, if I wanted to say "**** you", "go kill yourself with a wooden spoon" or " I did your Mom and she wasn't half bad" I would. I say some or most of those things daily. All I said was Merry Christmas. Let's examine what I mean by that, pre-phenomena:

"MERRY CHRISTMAS".

WHAT I MEAN by this is let's all enjoy each other's company this fine season. Peace on Earth, good will towards men. Santa Claus. Presents. Mo' presents. Christmas Trees. Candy Canes. Lights. Reindeer. Still mo' presents. Remembering family times past. Especially those with my Dad, that I miss very, very much. Eggnog. Parties. Building a snowman with my daughter. Sleigh rides through Central Park. The window displays on 5th Avenue in NYC. That really comforting quiet when you go outside on a snowy night. Let's forget for a bit the problems of the world and our own. Christmas dinner. And yes, mo' presents.

WHAT I DON'T MEAN is mine is the true religion. Yours sucks. Only mine should be celebrated. Your traditions mean nothing to me. Convert or die (we leave that schtick to others). And of course "**** you", "go kill yourself with a wooden spoon" and "I did your Mom and she wasn't half bad".

I don't care what religion you are. Hindu, Jewish, Muslim, Wiccan. Worship a head of iceburg lettuce. Good for you. I'll respect yours as long as you respect mine. Frankly, we here at Team Roman Catholic are happy with the starting roster we have and are not looking for any free agents. Please point out Santa, Rudolph or candy canes in the Bible and I'll knock this **** off muy pronto.

You know what it has come to here? Stuff like in the UK. My daughter's daycare center sent home a note for all parents. Essentially, "In respect of all religions and their holidays, we will celebrate none" OK, fine. But parents *****ed about my daughter's "I Believe In Santa" sweatshirt? For this I truly do mean "go kill yourself with a wooden spoon". Do you hate my traditions that much or are you so unsure of yours? Either way, get a ****ing life. She's 3 years old. Imagine ****ing this. A THREE YEAR OLD GIRL LIKES SANTA. Holy ****, stop the presses. Do people just say this to go along with the herd? Has everyone lost their collective ****ing minds?

I never thought I would live to see the day when "Merry Christmas" was considered an insult. So, while I do mean it with for all of the good reasons I mentioned above (I LOVE Christmas), I issue this warning. If I say it and you say it back, say Seasons Greetings, Happy Holidays, etc. Fine. If you say nothing, fine. But IF you look at me like I said any or all of the three past mentioned phrases, it's on. If I know I can get to you because of this, I will haunt you on the street, store or whereever the **** you choose until you say "Well, I NEVER...." and storm away with your hubby and your Scotty dog into your Lexus and speed off. This Christmas season, I draw my line in the sand...ur...snow. In the spirit of Christmas but of course."