Dr Pun
 

A man walked into a doctor's office and asked the doctor to inspect his leg. The man said, "Here, put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard very faintly, "Come on, can I have five bucks, just five bucks?"

The doctor stepped back in horror, and the man said, "I know, but it gets worse. Put your ear to my shin." The doctor put his ear to the man's shin and heard very faintly, "Come on, can I have ten bucks, just ten bucks?"

Once again, the doctor stood up, perplexed. The man then said, "If that surprises you, put your ear to my ankle." The doctor put his ear to the man's ankle and heard faintly, "Come on, can I have twenty bucks, just twenty bucks?"

The doctor stood up and said, "Well, I can I make just one conclusion. Your leg is broke in three places."

Re: Dr Pun
 

:r

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A scientist invented a formula that would make dolphins live forever. It was primarily made up of mashed up baby sea gulls. He knew he had to get his creation patented immediately to keep others from cashing in on his discovery.

When he arrived at the patent office, one of the concrete lions which adorned the entrance had fallen in front of the door, and the scientist had to jump over it to get into the building. He was immediately arrested. Why?

Crossing a staid lion with young gulls for immortal porpoises.

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OH YES HE DID!!!!!:rolleyes::rolleyes:

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There was a young boy who lived with his family on a farm in the countryside. One building on the farm was a large ice-house, where produce was stored until market day.

One day, the boy was playing near the ice-house, and happened to notice that a family of wrens (small birds) had got themselves trapped in the building. The boy opened the doors, and tried to coax them out, but oddly, they didn't seem to want to come (they probably figured that it was worth being cold with all this food lying around!).

The boy was very worried about the little birds, because it was so cold in the ice-house, and kept coming back to see that they were okay.

That night, he knelt down at his bedside, and prayed "God bless all the little chilled wrens."

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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH:r:r

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Pedro and Juanita gave birth to twin Sons and named them Juan and Amal. Unfortnately, they had to put the up for adoption due to financial hardships. Years later, they received a letter from a man named Juan, it was their long lost son. He included a picture and wrote about all the things that had gone on in the past 18 years. Juanita put down the letter and began to cry. "What?" said Pedro. Juanita said "I just wish that we got something from Amal, I would've liked a letter and picture of him too". "Come on",said Pedro, "If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"

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Famed pitcher Mel Famey was having another outstanding outing, despite the 103* heat. His team was up 1-0 going into the 9th, and Mel was getting quite overheated. While his team batted in the top of the 9th, Mel found a 6 pack of Schlitz beer and snuck into the corner of the dugout, pounding all 6 to cool off.

When he returned to the mound foe the bottom of the ninth, the Schlitz kicked in and he walked 5 straight batters for a 2-1 loss.

One of the opposing players found the empty cans after the game, and shouted "This is the beer that made Mel Famey walk us".

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:r :r

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I don't think anybody under 40 will get it though, Warren. ;)

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Look out for the bull...

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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

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A couple of clams were eating chocolate bars while two fish watched.

"Did you see that?" one fish said, as the clams finished their treat. "They didn't offer us a single bite!"


"What do you expect?" asked the other fish. "They're two shellfish."

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You're right Tom, I am clueless on this.;s

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Sam Franks and Frank Sams were the best of friends since they met at school and found that their names were almost opposite. They were always playing together as kids, and grew up to be great friends. They both got married and kept friends with each other, going down to the pub at weekends, drinking and chatting about the usual hassles and fun of life. Sam Franks owned a disco which sometimes both of them would go to on Fridays for a good time and free drinks as Sam Franks owned it.

But one night when Frank Sams was driving home to his wife after having a great time at the disco a lorry was out of control on the roads and crashed into his car, killing him virtually instantly. Frank Sams then found himself in heaven and able to see his dead relatives and be happy, but he was still feeling lonely without his best friend, Sam Franks, so he went to the Angel Gabriel and asked what the possibility of saying a last farewell to Sam Franks. Sam Franks was also very lonely without his best friend since school, Frank Sams, and said a little prayer to ask to see him for one last time. Angel Gabriel was contemplating whether to let Frank Sams go back to earth and see his best friend since school, Sam Franks, and as he was contemplating, he heard the prayer of Sam Franks asking to see Frank Sams one last time.

Gabriel then realised the strong friendship between the two, so he said to Frank Sams that he could visit earth and his friend, Sam Franks for one last time, for one night only. So Frank Sams was overjoyed at this piece of news, so decided to visit Sam Franks on a Friday, where he almost knew he would be at his disco with his wife. Gabriel said to Frank Sams, "The only provisory that I let you go back to earth for one last night, is that you must take your wings, your golden harp and your halo with you, and you must bring them back." Frank Sams agreed and was then sent down to earth just outside of the disco that Sam Franks owned. As this night was a fancy dress type night, he decided to leave on his halo and wings so that he would fit in as another party goer, so he went in and saw his best friend ever, Sam Franks. Sam Franks was in tears as he saw his best friend ever, Frank Sams, walk over to him, they hugged each other (in that manly way). Many drinks were ordered, old times talked about, then they went for a final jive on the dance floor as Frank Sams said that this was the last time they would see each other. It came to closing time for the night, and the end of Frank Sams last visit to earth, so he hugged goodbye, walked out the door and was whisked away back up to heaven.

As it was Gabriel who was to meet him back and check all went well, he thanked Gabriel for the last chance to see his best friend, and Gabriel said "That's fine, I just have to check if you've not left anything behind.", Frank Sams said, "Yep, I've got my wings, my halo.. OH NO! I've left my harp in Sam Franks' disco!!"

Re: Dr Pun
 

Slogan for Schlitz in the 70's was "The beer that made Milwaukee famous"...thus, "the beer that made Mel Famey walk us". ;)

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A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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And what's made Milwaukee famous has made a loserrr out of me :D

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Mahatma Gandhi's strict vegetarian diet left his bonestructure weakened from lack of calcium and protein. The diet also contained a good bit of fragrant curries and strong vegetables like garlic and onions, which made his breath less than fragrant. He also often shunned his sandles and walked barefoot resulting in soreness and a good deal of extra punishment to his feet.

and in the end you get:

A "Super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis"

Bdoomp boomp!

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:tu

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Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

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I believe this is a mandatory rimshot room.... ;)

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

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Two lions are walking through the jungle when they come upon two men sitting under a tree.

One is terribly obese and is writing frantically on a notepad. He finishes a page, rips it out of the pad and hands it to the other guy. This guy is thin as a rail, maybe 90 lbs. dripping wet. He reads the page with equal energy and places the page in a pile.

Well, one of the lions eats the skinny guy which causes the other lion to ask;"Leo, you could of had a week's worth of meal, and you eat the guy who will barely take the edge off your appetite. Why?!?!?"

The first lion replies; "Well Linus, don't you know? Writers cramp and reader digest!"

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Is it bad that I chuckle at each one and then have to roll my eyes?

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Two boys grew up interested in the priesthood: Jimmy James and Johnny Secola.
While both dedicatedly studied the Bible, Johnny Secola was always a little more knowledgable than Jimmy James. Both boys grew up and followed similar paths. They both became priests, then monsignors, then bishops, and eventually cardinals. Johnny Secola is still the brighter star of the two.
One night, the Pope dies in his sleep. The college of cardinals must decide who among them is going to be the new pope. Johnny Secola and Jimmy James are now competing to be the head of the church. Johnny thinks that this should be a "shoe in" for him as he has beaten Jimmy at everything before.
The cardinals hold the election and who wins? Jimmy James.
Johnny is flabbergasted. He turns to the head cardinal in charge of the election and asked him what happened.
The cardinal shook his head wearily and said, "Johnny, I'm sorry. But we really couldn't have the leader of the church have a name like... Pope Secola."

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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:tpd:

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my two faves, but all hilarious!!

Well done, fellas.

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Roy Rogers comes in from a hard day's work on the ranch.
His boots are all muddy, he's too tuckered out to clean them, and he doesn't want to incur Dale's wrath, so he leaves them on the porch.

The next morning he goes out to clean them and finds them ripped to shreds.

"Dang, Gabby. Those were almost brand new Luchesse ostrich and iguana boots. Wonder what happened to them?"

"Wel, Roy, there's been a ol' mountain lion a-spookin' the horses the last coupla nights. Coulda been him."

Roy saddles Trigger, puts his trusty Winchester in the scabbard, and rides off.

Several hours later he comes riding back in.
There is a large dead mountain lion slung over his saddle horn.
And Gabby sez,
.
.
"Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed yer new shoes?"

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A man heard about a pun contest and submitted ten puns with the intent to win.
Unfortunately...
No pun in ten did.

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Another one that only us old guys will likely get! :r

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I'll admit I got the first one just fine and I know very well who Roy Rogers and Dale are, especially since I grew up in Tucson. ;)

But I'll be dagnabbed if I understand this one.

Re: Dr Pun
 

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that the soles of his feet became quite thick and hard.

Being a very spiritual person, he ate very little, and often fasted. As a result, he was quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

Hence he came to be known as a....

"Super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."

Re: Dr Pun
 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LQgeNTazp8

5: 25 mark

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:r:r

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Day late and a dollar short, Derrick. ;) :r

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I dont know what worse, the joke or the fact that 2 different guys told it!!!

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Dodge City was a pretty rough town, nevertheless, they had an excellent little theatre group. One time they planned to perform the Swan Lake Ballet.

On the day of dress rehearsal, it was discovered that moths had gotten into the tutus. Everything was ruined. The producer placed a call down to the Acme Costume Company in Wichita and learned they had plenty of tutus. The proprietor promised to ship the much needed garments over on a special train. They should arrive in plenty of time for the opening.

Back at Dodge, everyone was in a big hurry and someone needed to go down to the depot and fetch the tutus. Butch, the biggest, toughest guy in town offered to see to it, so he went to the station and sat down. When the station master saw Butch, he went over and asked if he might be of help. Butch replied, "Thanks, I'm just waiting for the tutu train."

Re: Dr Pun
 

Well if you think that one was bad - here ya go :D

Everyone knows the tale of the Swiss marksman William Tell, but some might not know he was a heck of a tenpin player. In fact his whole family were very gifted bowlers and all were on different teams in their town bowling league. They had a habit of always switching teams and it became so disconcerting the league administrators kicked them all out. William, The Clan Leader asks the president of the league why they were kicked out and the president talks about all te logistical problems with rosters, uniforms, team allegiance etc, etc and he sums it up saying:

We just can't figure out "For whom the Tells bowl"

Now that's bad!

Re: Dr Pun
 

There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a small tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. And the smell... oh, the glorious smell!"
"Look Pepe," says the first man. "It's a bacon tree!"
"You're right!" says Pepe, "We're saved!"
Pepe doesn't wait another second. He runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But just as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?"
And with his dying breath Pepe calls back: "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree after all..."

"...its a ham bush!"

Re: Dr Pun
 

Bob had just let the dog in from outside one autumn afternoon when Lisa noticed her behaving strangely. "Hey, Bob," Lisa asked, "could you check Tasha? I think she has fleas."

So Bob went over and started looking through Tasha's fur coat. He found she had picked up a couple of ticks and he noticed her dog tags had just come loose. Then he saw not fleas, but small white bugs in her fur. "Darn!" said Bob. "What?" asked Lisa.

"She's got two ticks in her hair, with lice! Help me find her tags in the leaves outside."

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From the funny Pics thread...
http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u...quan/Smith.jpg

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So a seal walks into a club......

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Just in case that last one I composed went by:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYEgYVyBDuM

I've been thinking in haiku lately, so......

Candle making class
Too late because of long nap
No wicks for rested

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:tu :tu

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What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office?




I can clearly see you're nuts!

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Two pieces of rope walked by a bar. One piece of rope says to the other "I'd like to go in and have a beer". The other piece of ropes says "They don't serve rope in that bar". The 1st piece of rope says "I'm going to give it a try". He walks in and says "barkeep, give me a beer.". The barkeep says "Are you a peice of rope?". The piece of rope says "Yes". The barkeep says "Get out, we don't serve rope here!". The piece of rope goes out and rejoins his friend and says "I really want a beer". The piece of rope then ties himself into a knot and pulls all the strings at one of his ends into a big mess. He then walks into the bar:

Rope: "Barkeep, give me a beer"
Barkeep: "Are you a piece of rope?"
Rope: "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

MCS

Re: Dr Pun
 

A bear walked into a bar and sat down. He banged on the bar with his paw and demanded a beer.

The bartender approached and said, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."

The bear, becoming angry, once again demanded a beer.

The bartender again told him, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."

The bear, very angry now, said, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender once again said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana."

The bear went to the end of the bar and, as he had promised, ate the woman. He came back to his seat, and again demanded a beer.

The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana, that are on drugs."

The bear said, " I'm not on drugs."

The bartender said, "Yes you are. That was a bar b!tch you ate."