Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

Too Funny :r

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

A man comes home from work and tells his wife, "come on honey lets have sex". she says "you cant talk like that in front of the kids, say something like lets do the laundry or lets do the dishes". man says "ok."
Next day he comes home from work and says "ok honey lets do the laundry". wife says "ok but let me feed the kids first." so the man waits. an hour later he says "come on honey the kids are fed, lets do the laundry".
wife says "ok let me just put the kids to bed and for sure we'll do the laundry".
Couple hours go by and the wife goes up to the man and says"ok honey i'm ready lets do the laundry."the man says "thats ok, it was a small load i did it by hand."

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally croaked.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together."
Leaning over to his neighbour, one mourner asked... "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs."

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

:r

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

A guy from New York married a hillbilly girl. On the honeymoon, the New Yorker asked his new bride if there was any difference in the lovemaking of city guys and hillbillies.

She paused for a moment and said calmly, well you city guys walk up and stick it in, but the hillbilly guys stick it in and then walk up.

Needless to say that was the end of the conversation.

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

:r:tu

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

Hey, now.:r

How did you know?:D

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

small circle, big mouths

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

:r

That must have been the vision that made you try to scratch your eyes out.:D

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

sad but true:r

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

Today this thread will get to 1000 views so when I get home I will post 5 jokes...guranteed to find one that will make you laugh. I hope all of my BOTL/SOTL have great Mondays today. Cheers!

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"
The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".
The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"
Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"
The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"
So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked him one day, "Why don't you just swim around like us?"
Bob replied, with a smirk, "well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there".
The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.
The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "back up boys it's a BLOW JOB!"

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

The world's greatest charade player brags that he can guess any charade.

A TV producer decides to use the charade player in a TV special. He issues a challenge offering the charade player a million dollars to guess a very hard charade on television. The charade player agrees.

Comes the big night, all the world is watching. The charade player is sitting on stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the curtain opens to reveal seven nude young women.

The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts, while the other five have their backs to him and are baring their behinds.

The charade player barely glances over them and says, "The William Tell Overture by Rossini."

The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done it! That's the correct answer. You are indeed the greatest charade player!" and he hands him a check for a million bucks.

Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask him how he did it.

"It's really simple," says the charade player. "One look at the positions of the seven women, and I realized it as the William Tell Overture."

"Rump... titty... rump... titty... rump... rump... rump."

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

Little Johnny and his girl were walking along a trail in the woods. Suzy noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly. "Little Johnny, why is that rabbit on top that other one?" she asked.

Little Johnny stopped to consider his answer, and replied, "They're making cigarettes." "Cigarettes?" she exclaimed, as they continue walking along. Pretty soon, they approached a couple of raccoons. Suzy asked, "Are they making cigarettes too?"

"Yea," says Little Johnny.Suzy looked around and said, "It looks like all the animals are making cigarettes, why do not we make cigarettes?" Little Johnny was quick to say, "OK!"

An hour or so later Little Johnny and Suzy were walking out of the woods, when she asked, "Little Johnny, what kind of cigarettes did we make?" Little Johnny stopped to think about his answer, and then replied, "Well if you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if you don't it was a Lucky Strike."

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

good ones!

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

I have been busy lately...I will pick up again soon

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry." :r

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

Three guys get stranded on an island, they have 2 dollars among them. 1 guy takes a dollar with him and says hes going to go get food, he comes across a vending machine, there's a hamburger, a soda , and a blowjob, the guy says, im really hungry, I'm really thirsty but im really horny. So he gets the blowjob, the second guy leaves with one dollar and comes across the same vending machine, the man says I am real hungry, I'm really thirsty, but I'm really horny, so he gets the blowjob. they all meet back at the campsite and show all each other what they have, the first 2 men, don't have anything, but the third guy says " i found 2 dollars"

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

Sex Problems:
Jack went to see his doctor complaining that he can't perform sex with his wife anymore and he needs help.

D: this is your lucky day I just received a new medication in the form of an injection guaranteed to get it up. There is only one small problem, it lasts for only on hour and it is expensive so you better call your wife and check that she's home.

Jack: she has to be home where else will she be.

Jack could not find his wife, so he went back to the doctor to ask for another injection

D: Tell me Jack, don't you have a mistress, maid , neighbour, secretary etc.....

Jack: but doctor, I don't need an injection for the ones you mentioned ...

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

I thought this was funny....

It's after Christmas and little Johnny is on his bike. He passes a cop, who is riding a horse. The cops asks, "Little Johnny, did Santa get you that bike?" "Yes," says Little Johnny. The cops says, "Well next time tell Santa to put a license plate on the bike. I'm going to have to give you a ticket." Little Johnny asks, "Cop, did Santa get you that Horse?" "Yes," replies the cop. Little Johnny says, "Well next time tell Santa to put the dick on the bottom of the horse and not the top."

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

An Englishwoman and her young son were traveling in a taxi in New York. As they were driving through a rather seedy
looking part of town, the boy became fascinated by the garishly made up women in short skirts and high heels who
seemed to be accosting some of the men passing by.

"Mummy" the boy asked, "what are those ladies doing?"

The mother, clearly embarassed by the question, replied: "I expect they're lost and are asking people for directions"

The taxi driver overhead this and interrupted: "why not tell me boy the truth, those women are prostitutes."

The mother blushed more brightly at this remark but the boy wouldn't let it go:

"What are prostitutes Mummy, are they like other women, do they have children too?"

"Of course" the mother replied, "that's where New York taxi drivers come from."

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

:r
After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like hes driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks,

"Well, Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replies the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlies room and goes across the hall into Bobs room,

and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"

Bob says, "Im screwing Charlies wife while hes in Chicago"

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

:tu

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

:r:r:r Funny Stuff. Love them. :tu

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, "It's my wash cloth."

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it."

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick. Well the tattoo artist laughs and says "I'll do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it."

The guy thinks for a second and says. "Well one, I like to keep my money in my pants, two I like to watch my money grow, and three I want to see how fast my wife can blow a $100.

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was taking pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

a little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

:r :tu

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. “MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND…”

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

I have not forgotton about this thread :banger

A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached." The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says. "That makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anaesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man. The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."

"What?" his father replied.

"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"
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Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

That one is friggin hilarious! :r

Some great jokes! :tu

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

Here's one that always makes me chuckle.

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

:r I like it! :banger

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

I have truly been slacking!

1)A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ....
Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

2)A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit. When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door. "What are you doing!" insists her mother. "Mom, it's my love dress! Don't you like it?" "I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!" "I'll give you a few more weeks," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself. When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. "Honey, what are hell are you doing!" remarks the husband. "It's my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?" "Well, to be perfectly honest," replies her husband, "I think you should have ironed it first!"

3)In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

A reporter went to an Indian reservation to study the ways of the native American, and upon arrival noticed that most of the men had feathers in their hair. This piqued her interest and she had to find out the significance. So, she walked up to a man with a single feather in his hair and asked:
"why do you have that feather in your hair?"
"me one feather, me one squaw."
"ok, but what about that man over there with three feathers?"
"me not know, go ask him."

So, the reporter made her way to the next man with three feathers in his hair and asked
"why do you have three feathers?"
"me three feather, me three squaw."
"I see, but what about that man with the feathers all over his head?"
"me not know, go ask him"

The reporter ran to the man with many feathers as quickly as she could because she just had to find out why he had so many feathers and asked
"why do you have so many feathers?"
"big, small me f**k em all"
"oh, how hostile!"
"hoss style, doggie style, any style"
"oh dear!"
"no deer. Butt too high run too fast."

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

Now that is funny Joe! I love it.

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

A white horse fell into a muddy river.

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

^^^Agreed

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

Re: Some great dirty jokes!
 

The Black Bra

The other day I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. one is engaged, one is a mistress, & of course I've been married for 20+years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels & a mask just over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here is how it went:

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over & found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos & a mask. He saw me & said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you." We made love all night long.

The mistress:
The other night I met my lover at his office & I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes & a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to tell my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos, & a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door & saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Batman?"